A Tangled Path…(part 3)
“You are judging the nature of God.”
“What?”
“You have decided that God of the universe is uncaring. You are tangled in a web of lies that you state as your truth in this darkness. You need to come to a place of repentance and forgiveness for yourself and Him. He truly loves you and waits for you. He created you to be loved”
I am so thankful for friends who speak truth in the midst of struggle. Even at the risk of causing waves they will speak up when I am not making wise choices. So many of my thoughts and lies built my spiral down into the dark. How much worse it would have been without their wisdom.
It was one misstep at a time. Each time I refused or failed to call out a lie I went down. The anxiety of “what if” followed me into the slippery stairwell. I traveled down into despair without knowing it; only the darkness of more pain waited for me. While the trek out took more effort, it was also led by a spark of hope. Hope is inspiring; God-breathed. To read the beginning of this story go here. If you just missed the second part click here. The ending is better. So much so.
There is no way to describe the support I have had from friends and family. When I was in the depths nothing anyone said broke through, but their presence and love was acknowledged. It wasn’t anyone else’s fault but mine that I couldn’t receive their words. I let so much deception in that I didn’t even see the new lies coming. One compromise, one unnecessary sacrifice and one white lie at a time; it added up quickly to a weight I couldn’t bear alone.
I don’t know if there was a medication that would have worked but I felt like there wasn’t. I did use essential oils and vitamins to help offset the physical contributors. They helped quite a bit but couldn’t get rid of the emotional root issue. The depression was a symptom of unresolved rejection and unforgivness buried by years of denial. I had to do the work. Counseling was the most effective thing next to prayer. Combined with prayer rooms its effects were amplified. Things improved steadily and I started untying the knots of lies.
I fell into God; hoping.
What I did not fully realize at the time was how big and faithful He is. I had been a slightly active Christian off and on my whole life without truly knowing Him. I was more of a history buff than a daughter.
The more I learned the more I realized that I was upset with Him for the way I perceived Him. I had judged His nature. My friend had been right.
I didn’t miss an opportunity to hear His voice after January. I wasn’t messing around. I was going to be sure I did everything I could on my part. It wouldn’t be me that failed this thing. So I continued to seek Him everywhere.
I don’t ever see my attitude in the moment but the more I write the more I realize I keep myself from joy by refusing to delight in my God. Each lie I unbind results in stronger faith and less judging. Freedom feels amazing; kind of like falling but good. Am I really learning to like this feeling?
Slowly I began to notice the damp walls and the musty smell of my prison; the lies that lie floating in the stagnant water. I saw the sunlight pass across my face in small glimpses from time to time when I saw Him. I could smell the sweet floral scent of peace. But did He see me?
He did. I am amazed at how much I didn’t know. You don’t leave your child alone when they need you. I always need Him. I am His and He hasn’t ever left me. How could I have thought He would leave me to rot? He is the only thing that is not too good to be true. We aren’t accustomed to that here on earth.
Then I had an experience full of so much light and peace that I never would have believed if it had come from someone else.
It was the second week of February.
I walked up to the church feeling like I should just leave. I don’t go here, I don’t belong here, I don’t want to take more from them.
(They wouldn’t have invited you back if they didn’t mean it. These are true and good people)
I said yes to God. I would go in. I told myself I would. A wave of hope, expectation and anticipation came over me. And fear; always fear.
God was so strong in that place that each person I made eye contact with reflected His love back at me. The spark lit up with each “hello.”
*Sigh*
“These are good people God. Whether I am healed, helped or not, bless these faithful ones.”
I sat and soaked up the comfort of the worship music. The atmosphere of the room surrounded me like a gentle hug and I relaxed just slightly.
Usually, when I finally still, God can reach me. I am the toddler who has rebelled and gotten in trouble. The one who stubbornly refuses to give up in their over-tiredness. Finally in exhaustion and surrender, I still.
(Come daughter. Just rest in me, pour into me so I can soothe you. Let me be everything. Keep your eyes on me, not the water)
I sign up. Reason for prayer:
The reason…it would be easier to write: everything. Hadn’t I already written on this paper each thing I was struggling with already. Maybe it wouldn’t ever work. I don’t want to take this spot from someone else.
Reason for prayer: Depression, work, home, job, my place; purpose. Oh, and my back needs a chiropractor.
Ya. Okay. I am just defeated. Done.
(Just breathe. It’s okay to feel a little beat up. Bring your honesty and truth. Trust me.)
My paper was taken and the faithful prayed love over my struggle. When they came back to get me I was teary-eyed from listening to God soothe me. Was I ever not crying?
We talked about life and struggle. Hard things and easy things. My cynical attitude about each pain was an obstacle of its own. Then my back became the center of attention. I described it as a constant discomfort that would not stay adjusted more than a month or so. This peaked the interest in the room but I honestly thought it was the least important.
My back? It’s always out. I was pretty much used to it.
There was more to my back than I knew.
I don’t understand how spiritual warfare works exactly. I am learning through each encounter that I come across but I don’t know a lot.
One of the prayer partners mentioned they felt like there might be a spirit of religiousness involved and hooked like a talon to my back. Religiousness? I didn’t have a tendency to be religious, did I?
I was holding myself to a checklist for faith that was measured up to the perfect example of Proverbs 31 or else…or else defeat? Worthlessness? What is religiousness but adhering to principals and rituals without relationship. Maybe I was.
They prayed for me and rebuked the spirit. I felt dizzy and more than slightly nauseous as the prayer continued. Then the most amazing thing. Peace. Brightness. The cloud of darkness that always had hovered at my vision seemed to be gone. I wondered if it would stay or fade like it had before. This felt different and I hoped.
I wasn’t necessarily expectant of further healing, just grateful for the message of hope, the prayer and that spark.
It wasn’t until the next evening that I realized something was actually different.
I was sitting with my husband and it hit me: I was staring at the wall and not feeling guilty. I wasn’t running circles about all the ways that I was a failure. In fact I wasn’t thinking anything. At all.
Anxiety and depression was for me a constant state of re-thinking and overthinking. A thought pattern created by choosing the wrong things that was hard to stop spinning once it started.
This particular Sunday evening, I had no guilt, second guessing or should-haves. The depression and anxiety seemed to be gone. I started crying; joy and hope-filled tears this time.
I was cautious of this idea that depression had been healed overnight through prayer ministry. Could rebuking a spirit of religiousness and praying work that well? I was hesitant to think that it would work permanently. Isn’t God Lord of everything? Couldn’t He do whatever He chose?
Yes…but…
“What Father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?” ~ Luke 11:11
As the weeks went on I cautiously began to accept that I had a new reality. One without the vicious darkness and doubt. I still had work to do and old patterns to break but how much easier it would be to correct without the oppressive weight.
I continue with counseling once or twice a month. I have a lot of years of harmful thinking to reverse and I don’t mind doing the work. Truly everything is new; lighter. Joyful. There is no Christian cliche that I haven’t used. I feel cheesy and I don’t mind.
I fell into God’s arms. A trust fall with no assurance that I wouldn’t hit bottom. Instead of hitting bottom I found God.
I saw His subtle workings before this experience but not as apparently as I do now. They are everywhere. I want to show you, too. How can I not shout it out?
