The Strength to be Weak

When things are going smoothly its easy to be grateful; to have grace. To know who I am.

So it makes sense that when everything feels like trudging uphill I can struggle to see His hand in the moment.

He never struggles to see me. He never walks away or gets fed up or stops caring who I am. Never. Not when I get too caught up in the day-to-day and not when I make mistakes. Not when I’m tired because I haven’t slept, not when I am being stubborn and not when I jump into things too soon.

God can use my mistakes for His good and I am grateful for that, because I know how many I make! My mistakes do not equate my worth. My worth was decided before I was created. How much freedom is there in that?

I don’t like limitations and I’ve always seen my weakness as a limiting force. So at one point I refused to have weaknesses, regrets or fears. I would strengthen my weaknesses, live without regret and refuse to be held back by fear.  It sounded great but the application proved to be more difficult. Every time I would conquer a fear or flaw, I would discover another. Not that I expected perfection, not really. I honestly just didn’t want to miss out on an adventure because fear held me back!

That and I don’t like feeling like I can’t fix it myself.

Maybe I could, if I tried harder, worked more, rested less…

Weakness? Fear? Worry? No problem. Take a deep breath and just carry on.

What happens when I’m only taking deep breaths and never letting them out? When I rely on only my strength to pick up the slack and keep going? Eventually you break. Eventually you end up so exhausted you can’t even decide if its more work to sleep at the table or move to the couch. Are we all toddlers at heart…rebelling against the limitations of body and mind; refusing to do what our Father has said is good for us? Maybe I am.

What are the things I fear most. Letting people down, trusting God without assurance of the outcome, disappointing people, being seen as a flake? Yes. The thought of any of these coming true makes my breath catch. Do I dare to flush out these weaknesses and fears? Will I confront the lies in them to live freely? These are brave questions.

I have been accused of being a night owl. It’s truth! I do so much better late at night. Well I used to. I now work at 4:00am some days. I have proven that this nocturnal woman can actually function before the sunrise if I need to. Let’s just not talk about actual hours of sleep I get. I haven’t really fixed anything I have just switched to less sleep. The capability is there but the discipline to maintain is not. I have not conquered the fear of letting people down. I have chosen to attempt to do it all; the result is that I drop things. Getting rid of faults and weakness is hard!

I have made real attempts at conquering some of my fears.  One summer I decided I would conquer the fear of murky water; whatever may be swimming underneath. We decided to swim out after a bit so I waded in. At some point some seaweed brushed my leg and I nearly went into full panic. I had to take deep breaths, there was coaching involved in order to help me back to shore. It was probably quite comical. I felt real fear bloom to full panic over an irrational fear.

…but I had been in the water…that counts as conquering right?

Ugh. I refuse to let this anxiety with deep dark water hold me back. I will still participate but I may have to school my thoughts before jumping in. I will get this one…someday. Swimming pools are nice for now!

Why does fear have such a root in us?

So do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.              ~Isaiah 41:10

Because I wasn’t asking God to help me overcome. I was just trying to prove how independent I was.

This fear is hard for me because I am ashamed of it. I am actively struggling with this one. This time though, I am asking God to free me from its bonds.

^“For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light” ~ Ephesians 5:8

When faced with a difficult situation or confrontation I always thought I would stand firm and somehow stay cool enough to diffuse the situation. I truly have given it my best in these situations, but I don’t keep things cool as easily as I had hoped. Something about that point when the pressure is on and a confrontation is unavoidable makes me step back; part of me wishing I would say what was on my mind and part of me trying to do the best thing for everyone.

The last time I dealt with conflict I tried reason, logic and apology. When none of those worked, I let my guard down to be vulnerable and reassess. Then it fell apart. I took it personally,  broke, retreated and had to separate myself from the situation. It felt like running or bowing out. It may have been. Or maybe I was engaging in a battle I was never supposed to be in?

This reaction leads to a fear that I won’t ever be the strong, brave person I want to be. It makes me disappointed. I carry the idea that retreating or going quiet is always the cowardly thing. I sense deception in this declaration as a whole.

This weakness that I am most ashamed of…could it actually have strength?  Be strength… in retreat?

I have come to a choice between paths.

Down one path I choose to believe that retreat is weak, shameful and less than my best. I choose to change in order to do better and look stronger in my own strength.

Down the other path, I choose to see retreat as a strategy to win wars, regroup, and to seek council. To embrace my sensitivity as a weakness that God can bolster and shape. Not something to be ashamed of, but a part of me.

If I’m honest, I don’t like either choice entirely. I almost wince to think about embracing being sensitive. I need to embrace the truth whether or not I’m comfortable. Whether or not my emotions are there yet.

Which is truth? I know in my heart but all the while my head is arguing that retreat doesn’t make a hero.

There’s one thing I need to remember…I am not the hero.

I am the one the hero saves.

I can retreat to pray, to realign my priorities and goals with the One I seek; to realign my heart with love and compassion for others. To accept love and grace and being treasured in His eyes. To heal my emotions and cry out to the God who understands where each hurt and wound comes from.

If I retreat and admit weakness, aren’t I also admitting the ways He carries me? My weaknesses are the places I cannot walk on my own. I can’t even pretend to be able to. My weaknesses are the places that God shines brightest. When I let God walk before me and show me the way, I need not fear, cower or hesitate because the path is clear.

If I boast in my strengths there will always be pride, arrogance, maybe hesitation…

“What if they find out I am not as strong as I think I am? What if my boast is false? What if I forgot something or I get distracted?”

I will look foolish.

But if I share my weakness?

“I fall short here, but God…”

Then my weakness is in the light. There is nothing to find, all is honest and up front. Nothing the enemy can hold against me. Any glory going to the Father.

My weakness is only as strong as I let it be. Only as defining as I give it the power to be. My identity is in my place as a Child of God, not in how weak I may be.

The truth is, I am not and never will be perfect. I will fail; I will let people down; I will get it wrong. I will be and look…weak. But where I am weak, God can work. It will be even more apparent in my weaknesses than in my strength that it is Him working.

And where He is working, freedom will follow.