A Tangled Path-continued
It’s not about the physics of the water
But Jesus spoke to them at once.
“Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!”
Then Peter called to him,
“Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”
“Yes, come,” Jesus said.
So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink.
“Save me, Lord!” he shouted.
Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him.
“You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”
~Matthew 14:27-31
Faith or Fear? Trust in God or fade away. I couldn’t give up. If for no other reason than my family. So…faith then. What did that look like?
“God I don’t know if you will heal me but I will seek. Fully and completely. I don’t know what will happen. I’m just falling into you. I will say yes.”
I don’t know when walking on water became my gauge of progress but the image deepens as I walk with Him. I started in on this walk with God about three years ago (Read the beginning here).
I floated through a year and a half of the three knowing I wanted to change but not what that looked like. I listened to the audio bible, worship music and sermons. I was seeking anything that would break through. Waiting to see if God would show up.
Winter was the biggest struggle. Both winters carried heaviness, both brought expectations of peace but delivered emptiness. I was so frustrated that I finally started yelling at God in my journal. I am going to be honest, I had many helpless give-up moments. I would have a good day immediately followed by a bad night. I lived in fear. I spent a lot of moments waiting for God to send someone to help.
“I’m there for other people in the middle of the night, where are they for me? Do I just not count? Maybe you don’t care like people say you do. Maybe you’re not even there.”
My boat was being tossed and turned and appeared to have holes; I had no oars. I saw Jesus waiting for me but walk out into the storm? I couldn’t even manage laundry. My boat was filling with water. Go into worse danger to seek safety? I had told Him I would say “yes,” but right then I didn’t feel very brave.
The next morning, I did what I had tried to do a handful of times before. I reached out and dialed the number.
“Thank you for calling Focus on the Family’s counseling center. What can we help you with today?”
I resisted the urge to say “counseling.” I kinda tend to be a bit sarcastic.
“Uh. I’m struggling, with depression I guess. I just. I don’t know.”
I was just as eloquent for about an hour. I don’t know if I made any sense. At the end of the conversation I felt a tiny spark. The first colored emotion on a dull and blurry backdrop. It quickly dimmed but the memory stayed with me.
Jesus waited.
“But Lord these waves change and they’re huge. What about the wind? What about the depths below? Why can’t I just see the answer without the struggle?”
The counselor had suggested I follow up with a local office. I felt more fearful. Was this the next step? What would people think when they found out I needed therapy? The apprehension started to overwhelm me. I had said I would say yes, so I would. I followed up and made an appointment. I was excited but terrified. I wanted more of the spark but I was scared of the shame.
The morning of the first appointment I was shaking and terrified. I almost canceled. Just go. Why is that so hard, I don’t have a problem sharing. I pretty much live out loud. I was still worried.
“What will she ask? Will I share? Yes, I am here to be fully obedient to what God asks. I am not going to hold back.”
Surprise! The appointment was not scary. Better yet, I felt that spark light up again; hope!
I found the spark again at a Prayer ministry. I felt life pour into me while I was there. Each time the prayers and compassion lifted me up. After each time I experienced a strange kind of amnesia that left me feeling unsettled. I couldn’t ever remember very much of what happened or the truth that was spoken unless I wrote it down. A fog that hid what I was seeking.
This road of healing looked busy. I went to Prayer ministry on the weekend, met a friend at the beginning of the week and counseling at the end of the week. Every encounter with another Christian was vital. I missed one opportunity for prayer and felt like I was slipping backwards; I promised God I wouldn’t miss another. I started to put prayer and God first because I knew what would happen if I didn’t. I needed any God-touch I could get.
Progress was slow. I couldn’t hold truth for very long without slipping into bad habits. At this point I had been pushing for two and a half years and the feeling that I was a huge burden started to weigh on me. I started to lose momentum and fatigue.
“God, I am using resources and time that belong to other people. It isn’t healing me, I keep having the same problems. If I’m not going to get through this, the least I can do is let someone else have my spot. Will this ever stick?”
(Just say yes. Keep showing up. Eyes on me. It’s not about the physics of the water.)
What? I saw myself in this boat with holes. I’d been bailing the water out with buckets of prayer ministry and worship music. It was keeping the boat afloat but not fixing the problem. Jesus was calling and I was telling Him I was busy keeping the boat afloat. How could I possibly step out and have a boat to come back to?
“Can’t you see that this is important?”
How can a mental picture of this storm and boat be so real I feel actual fear? I could feel myself stand up in this boat as water poured in. I looked at Christ. He was smiling; I was freaking out. “
“This depression boat is sinking. I can’t bail out forever and no one is giving me any patches to fix it. I know you can save me, but you’re not giving me a patch either. You’re just standing there and I am irritated. Can’t you see that I am going to drown? Won’t you send anyone?”
I looked up at the night sky. I didn’t want to sleep, I didn’t want to be awake.
(Climb up the hill. Meet me where you can’t be distracted so I can share with you)
“God I don’t have time for that. I am too busy and I can’t even read my bible like I want to”
I headed to work the next day frustrated by the request and having to work and being too busy to change things.
“Maybe I’ll just always be in this state of broken and seeking. I will wear everyone out and they will give up on me.“
I tried to check-in but the computer system wouldn’t let me. I decided to check with my supervisor, who had me check the daily schedule.
“Uh, what does it mean when I work today but I’m not on the schedule?”
“It means you don’t work today. Go home.” she replied.
(So. You have a whole shift planned out in your day, that you aren’t working. Is now a good time to come spend time with me up the hill? What excuse do you have now?)
I think I heard God raise His eyebrows.
These are the fingerprints I want to write about. Things that don’t make sense but line up for our good. If there weren’t so many, I’d call it coincidence.
Impressed and slightly intimidated, I drove to the local hiking hill. It’s about a mile and a half up and I was feeling a little rebellious and a lot lazy so I drove up the first two thirds of the hill to a look out.
“Okay. I’m here. Where to now?”
(The top)
“I don’t have anything to sit on and its cold.” I have a bit of an attitude from time to time.
Then I remembered that I had left sheets from the other day in the back. Along with a sweater.
“Okay, okay. Here I come.”
I hadn’t exercised in too long and it was apparent in the first 100 feet. I figured I would just walk a little while and stop at the first flat spot. I turned around and thought about how good the view was already. This will work I think.
(Wait. Look at how far you’ve come. You pressed on and made it this far. You’ve come a long way, but you still have further to go. I am not done with you yet. I love where you’ve come from and your heart in traveling. I have even better for you. Keep going.)
I kept walking. Much slower because I was getting winded. I was listening to Amanda Cook singing “The Voyage” as I fought the the burn in my calves and lungs.
“Set your sights, set them far beyond familiar, in the rising tide you’ll find the rhythm of your heart. And lift your head, now the wind and waves don’t matter” (The Voyage)
“Well that’s for sure. This path is not what I expected, definitely beyond familiar.”
As I got closer to the top of the hill, the sun started to crest and brilliant rays spilled over grass and dirt.
(My best for you is still ahead. Keep seeking. Keep your eyes on me. It’s not about the difficulty of the climb or the length of time it takes for healing. It’s not about the water. It’s not about whether or not the water will hold you, or the storm around you. It’s not the physics of the water that makes this possible. It’s me.)
This walk with Christ and my journey; none of it has anything to do with the storm. The storm will always be there, always changing. The boat will always be sinking. We live in a broken world. It never was about bailing myself out. It will always be about me looking to Christ and trusting that he will keep me afloat. I can walk on the waves and be unaffected by the storm. It’s not the struggle or the physics that matter. It’s my vision. My eyes on Him.
I made it to the top. I was expecting a spectacular view. I had fought and worked all the way through sunrise and God was going to reward me. I couldn’t wait. I actually kind of jogged through the last 50 feet. I got to the top and was rewarded with this view:
Another hill.
“Are you kidding? I know you have a sense of humor but seriously? That hill too?”
(Would you really want me to get you through one thing and leave you? I have more. I want more for you. I want to bring you to better things. Enjoy the view of what I’ve brought you through. That hill is for later. It will be worth it.)
I didn’t even have a comeback.
He was right of course. He would bring me up the next hill and at the top of that hill I would find peace and assurance. For now this was enough.
Be sure to check back or subscribe to read the next and final post in this series.
If you missed the first post click here
Love it!