A Tangled Path

I’ve seen miracles. Better yet, God let me experience one.

Every path leads somewhere. Every choice helps shape each path. My path, choices and thoughts caught up to me. I didn’t expect them to. Thoughts are just thoughts right?

I thought I had moved past all of the really hard things in my life. I had dealt with them. Everything was as normal as can be expected with two toddlers and an infant. No life threatening situations to control. No tense atmosphere to diffuse. No delusions to persuade. Yet there I sat in the dark hallway, hoping someone would come find me.

Praying they wouldn’t.

The darkness was both comforting and suffocating. It didn’t offer hope but instead whispered that the pain would be quieter. The darkness offered a quiet end to the mental turmoil. Sleep sounded like the best option at every moment. I could hide behind sleep; all mothers need sleep. I Knew this wasn’t what okay looked like, but I was not ready to admit it. While I was hiding in the dark, struggling to breathe and not scream, everyone was eating dinner in the other room. While I was considering living in the dark hallway forever, they were enjoying each others company and silly faces.

Surely my husband and kids in the other room were better off without someone dragging them through life. This was a lie, but I let it slide past. I should have called it out. I did feel they were better off without me, so wasn’t that truth? I thought so. Logically I ran every argument. The lies were so strong I couldn’t find anything wrong with them. I was a failure, too immature, not together enough, not dedicated enough, not healthy enough, and not good enough to be above these emotions.

(Dear loved one. Just look at me. This is not what I have for you)

I couldn’t hear His voice. I wasn’t listening. I had allowed the lies to be louder than the one who loves me best.

My husband and I had made it through the chaos of my childhood home splitting in every direction. There was enough shrapnel to go around but we had made it through and established our own family at the same time. Wasn’t that enough drama and disappointment for a lifetime? It was time to be okay and learn what marriage should feel like; look like.

Yet here I was making a mess of it. In hindsight I should have reached out to someone, but the feeling of being a burden was already so strong I didn’t want to share it with anyone. So instead I sat in the dark, feeling each individual fiber of the blue carpet hoping to stay hidden but knowing I couldn’t keep going on my own. How did I get here?

So many ways.

The door opened and my husband walked in, “Are you okay?”

“Sure. If making a mess of everything is okay.”

Pause. “What can I do?”

“Nothing. Just, whatever. I don’t know…I think this is worse than I thought. I need to actually go to the doctor. This can’t be okay.”

“Okay. Make an appointment, whatever you need.”

I am so blessed by my husband. He always knows what I need. Not to say he doesn’t need to be told sometimes; he just has good instincts.

So I called to make an appointment. I almost cancelled a few times, thank goodness I didn’t. I went in and blurted out at the end “I think I am having some trouble with being a little bit depressed but maybe it’s just mood swings.”

After a brief interview about emotions, feelings and motive, I went home with a prescription for “PMS and mood swings” because if you don’t call something by its name it isn’t as scary. Or shameful. Right?

Somehow seeking help for this was embarrassing. Somehow I had done it. I had medication. But it was hard to get past the stigma that had surrounded mental illness. I didn’t want to end up in a worse mental state but I didn’t want to be this person for my kids. So I took the first, second, third and fourth medications. It was my 5th medication that started working.

I lived with the depression and medication for almost 10 years. I only recently started calling it what it was: Depression. I still couldn’t face it head on. Can you be a responsible person and have depression? A Christian? Full of Worth?  I didn’t know and I wasn’t about to gamble my reputation as a serve-everywhere-do-everything-at-church Christian. I stopped living and started spiritually holding my breath and acting fine.

That’s a depressing way to start a post.

Yes it is. It was a depressing way to live.

I share because I got to see God work a real miracle. Not someone else’s miracle, or someone else’s person. An amazing gift of healing and restoration that He gave me.

When you see something amazing you want to share.

For years the medication took the edge off and made it easier for me to function without feeling. It didn’t solve the wrong thinking that helped put me there but it stopped-motion on the unbearable.

The medication was fine until it wasn’t. It created a side effect I wasn’t aware of at the time; numbness. Nothing really broke through; not births, deaths or emergencies. Then slowly thoughts I didn’t recognize began to break through. I started thinking about driving off of cliffs or just walking away from my life. I didn’t really want to do those things but the thoughts persisted and worsened. I finally realized it was the medication. I asked my doctor about it and he confirmed suicidal thoughts as a possible long term side effect. This medication needed to go but I had had a symptomatic reaction to all four medications we had tried before this one. What now? I couldn’t stay on the medication. Could I leave it behind and function? So much fear.

I persisted and started weaning off the prescription. Immediately I started experiencing everything on high alert. Like jumping into a frozen lake. Every layer of emotion that had stayed locked in numbness suddenly had a voice and say in my mind and heart. Everything was loud and painful. I was emotional all the time and short tempered. I just felt awful. I knew better but couldn’t be better. I wanted to change but couldn’t. I was trapped. I was over reacting, feeling too much and being too defensive and angry.

I couldn’t use medication. I didn’t want to bother friends. God was who I had left. So I had a very candid conversation with Him.

“Hey, I know you’re there. You haven’t done anything about this yet. It hurts. It’s hard and it’s not fair. Where are you? I’m trapped and I know better. I came out of the conflict and struggle with my mom’s situation with faith. Don’t I get some credit for that? Why are you leaving me here?”

(I never left you. You are hurting, you never asked for my help, but I’ve been here the whole time.)

In my pain, I couldn’t hear His voice.

“Okay. I know you can help me here, but you haven’t. Medication isn’t an option at this point unless I want to be totally numb. I need to be there for my husband and kids. I can’t walk away and I cant think my way out. I am choosing to trust you with this. I can’t live the way I am now. So you can leave me as I am or you can heal me. I can’t do anything on my own. So whatever this is, it’s yours. I’m yours Lord; live or die, depressed or not. I’m just…I just…I can’t.”

(Finally. I’ve been here waiting for you to let me carry this burden. Rest.)

I decided to seek God and fully fall, regardless of consequence, into Him. I really didn’t feel like I had options. So I would say “yes” to everything He asked. I would seek and pray and lay everything down. No matter the cost. What did I have to lose anyway? I meant it.

I began my journey.

Its been years in the taking and it isn’t over. I am excited to share with you the story; my miracle. I hope you will join me in my next post to continue the journey.

~

If you are struggling with anything that feels like depression, it is okay to seek help. Pray and seek prayer, seek God, seek medical advice. If you need medication use it; if you prefer a natural remedy try essential oils, herbs or nutrition therapy. It doesn’t need to be the same for everyone.

Don’t hide in isolation. There are so many ways to help improve depression and its symptoms. Dwelling in solitude doesn’t help, it only encourages the loneliness.

No one has the same journey. Each person struggles in a different way. My story is not your story; there is no shame, just hope.. Choose hope and reach out.

My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for he will pluck my feet out of the net                 Psalms 25:15