A Fully Lived Year

It’s my birthday today.

I’m not usually a big birthday celebrator because it’s not a big deal. Not the day or the number. This year it feels like something to celebrate. It isn’t about me, but about what God has done in my life this one year. I feel like I earned each moment; fully walked each day. Some days were harder than others. I don’t need others to celebrate with me, I will celebrate with God. Birthdays are milestones; ways to mark the years and the experience. Somehow we stop celebrating what we’ve lived through sometime in our twenties. It becomes a bad thing that we age. But why? Why not celebrate all we’ve lived through and accomplished. Even during slow years God moves. I’m going to place the stones, tell my kids and remember.

Last year I asked God about His love, Grace and about this walk. What do all of these look like… really? Are they just a fake cover story? He has taken me on the ultimate tour.

If you are willing, I will take you on a journey of moments through this year. God is a real and tangible father. The evidence is everywhere. I know He works wonders. I am thankful that I started noticing them.

If you haven’t yet…I highly recommend starting a journal of moments with Christ. You won’t be disappointed by His faithfulness. He will always show you more.

I almost always have a notebook with me. I started it just over a year ago and finished it in April. It’s more than a journal. I keep records of my thoughts, of God’s words to me, notes on sermons, grocery lists, songs I write or frustrations. It is a testament to where I have been; where I’ve walked. I wanted to savor and remember all of it; take notes from each lesson. Write down the good and the bad, memories from yesterday and years ago, just keep writing, He whispered.

So I did. Today I look back at the last year.

Six months before I turned 33, I was really struggling with the raw edges of life without depression medication. It took a while to get it out of my system, and even longer to adjust.

I share because I was there and having someone understand what you mean is valuable in that place. Not everyone gets it.

At the time I wrote this, God had asked me to lay music down and I wasn’t feeling very supported by Him. Something I always wanted to do from the time I was three. Not doing something with music was never an option.

 

---

32 years of believing based on what faith I saw in everyone else. Is it all just a coincidence? Is this Christian thing just so ingrained through years of practice that I only imagine it’s God? When I am lonely and feeling abandoned, where are you? Still rules to follow, a box to fit in. I need someone, or something. You said you had plans for me, but then you ask me to lay down music. I don’t see this as love. I thought I had faith. All I see is duty. Where is the freedom?

(If you are ready for these answers then what do you have to lose? Lean in and trust.)

I thought I was trusting.

(You haven’t given it all yet. Until you let go and let me how much trust do you have?)

---

 

God knew what I didn’t know. He knew that music was too important. The only thing that should be at the top of my list is Him. Music was so much my identity that it hindered my faith. As I look back I see times where He was telling me the same thing in a softer voice. I wasn’t ready to listen, and even if I did hear him, I didn’t want to. It was too painful. He wouldn’t create me to know so deeply and so early that I wanted to be a part of music if I wasn’t supposed to use it…would He? Isn’t He a good and loving father?

 

“You fathers—if your children ask for a fish, do you give them a snake instead? Or if they ask for an egg, do you give them a scorpion? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him.”
~Luke 11:11-13

 

I would love to tell you that I immediately realized that arguing with God was not a good pastime; that I quickly realized that if He was asking, it was probably for a good reason.

I didn’t. I also did not equate arguing with God as disobedience. But I don’t see my own sin very clearly. Anything less than full obedience is rebellion; a foothold, and opening for the enemy.

I was upset and hurt for months. I tried to lay it down over and over again. I stopped writing and stopped pushing for practice. I didn’t sing out or work on my voice. I felt completely lost. Losing a purpose that drove everything left me feeling abandoned and confused. I also felt unable to relate to anyone else. Distance from God does that. I didn’t figure out why He had asked this of me until March 2018.

I went to a weekend event called the Jesus Encounter. It was a wonderful experience that led me to see deep hurts and resentments, guilt, unforgiveness and the deep and unconditional love of Jesus. At the end of the weekend during prayer time I finally understood why He had asked me to give music to Him.

He has more things for me to do than just music. If I am only focused on one goal for myself, I can’t see the people He puts in my path. It’s not that music can’t be part of what I do…it just can’t be WHO I am. I am a child of God. Nothing else should label me. I was created by Him, for Him.

When you’re willing to walk the path my way; then I can exceed your expectations. My ways are not your ways. 

Lord, I will learn this one day, I promise.

I was so focused on one thing I wanted and had decided for my life, that I had tunnel vision and couldn’t hear Him. He knew it wasn’t healthy or the best for me, but continuing to lay it down was painful.

The day after the Jesus Encounter, during worship, I heard Him whisper:

Sing daughter with the voice I gave you and a heart of love. Stand firm rooted in trust and truth; strong in Love.

It was clothed in soft comfort, came over me and settled like a gentle breeze. It really was exactly like a hug you didn’t know you needed. One that sinks deep and makes your spirit feel perfectly peaceful.

I again had His blessing to sing and the feeling of comfort and peace was worth any pain that laying down my love had been. There’s something different to it now too. It’s more free and easy. Things that were difficult for my vocal range before aren’t now.

---

Lord, I want to try but I don’t know how to walk this walk. I’m writing but not reading. I am up and down. Can you make this easier? I don’t have time for anything and I know I need to add in some reading and prayer time, but how will this even work? I can’t handle feeling all this, but I can’t handle numbness either. Is that all there is… everything or nothing? and how awful am I? I can’t even be content with the blessings you’ve given me. I just grumble. I know the answers but I’m not ready to listen yet.

Daughter, don’t discount your journey. Every pain builds strength; teaches heart and how to lean. Every place you’ve been is another place I’ve been with you. Trust this painful journey and don’t throw away your experiences because you’re ashamed of weakness or where you’ve been. I’m going to bring you through something you will think you can handle. but I don’t want you handling it. Easy or hard bring it all to me. Your empty house is cold, fill it with my light and warmth and wait on me.

I can listen, but I’m scared. Scared of what you’ll ask, scared to find out I’m worth less than I believe now.

Eyes on me. Relax into me and don’t overthink.

---

 

There is value in looking back and seeing what He has brought me through. It really makes change apparent. Like looking at the first and last day school pictures. Life matures me. God grows me. I don’t look the same. Somehow I’ve learned more and it shows in my eyes.

I was scared to look at God. Of saying yes to what I couldn’t control or predict. The safety of dealing with daily life was more appealing than the thought of jumping in and making ripples. The process is so good and perfect, so effective and so unknown.

I didn’t get to the bottom overnight. Nothing happens overnight. It all takes time. It takes a process of baby steps to learn to walk confidently. Sometimes we have to leave a trail to know we are walking in the right direction. There are many examples in the Bible of places being renamed, or set up to remember events. I am forgetful of the good things when the bad things are happening. If I set up enough stones of remembering, maybe I won’t so easily forget and become discouraged.

Then you can tell them, ‘They remind us that the Jordan River stopped flowing when the Ark of the Lord’s Covenant went across.’ These stones will stand as a memorial among the people of Israel forever.”Joshua 4:7

I write in my notebooks and sometimes on the doorways of my house, and also store up souvenirs of God showing up for my family. I know I am forgetful but I don’t want that to be my downfall. I will not forget His faithfulness.

As I flipped through all the pages of my notebook I saw a variety of material. Some entries were depressing and some were uplifting. All showed growth. A few gave me goosebumps to read.

He IS faithful.

He IS present.

He DOES Love me.

Look at how He showed up!

There were also many entries that followed the pattern of me questioning…

“Really God?”

And because He knows me and my attitude…



Yes, really. I always have been here, I always will be, I know what you are capable of and created for. Eyes on me daughter. Just trust me and walk with me. Seek me and be willing to lay down your sin and burdens. Let me correct you and guide you. Just walk.

He knows what I need. After laying down music He gave it back, only better.

I had written dozens of songs with music before this and even recorded some home CDs. Most of them weren’t great. The writing I do now at least feels like it has heart.

The day after the Jesus Encounter I felt prompted to write. It felt amazing after so many months of not playing at all. Hours later I had written, composed and recorded a rough version of the song “Beautifully Redeemed.” It didn’t happen quickly because I was amazing; it happened quickly because it felt like God walked me through each step. I just knew the lyrics and melody. I picked up the piano part quickly and all the tech stuff worked. Electronics working when you need them is pretty much a miracle by itself.

There is a time for everything.

I need to remember where I’ve walked and who walks with me…

The Jesus Encounter gave me new eyes and willing ears. I walk differently. I want to be fully obedient.

And so I started the blog. My first few posts are the last parts of my 33rd year. In case you are new and want to continue the story, I will post the links here.

The Adventure of Grace
Falling into Faith (How and why I said yes to the blog)
A Tangled Path: Journey out of depression.

There have truly been hills and valleys this last year. Even when I am struggling with worth or weakness, I can look back at what I’ve recorded and remember He has been growing me. Even when I slip back into old habits, I’m not as far as I have been in the past. There is growth. So, I will celebrate this last year, and the beginning of a new walk. I will write, I will sing, I will place stones and I will remember.

 

 

Beautifully Redeemed-Cassie Lynne

Jesus I come and I lay
all of my pride, my sin, my shame at your feet.
I am ready.
I come seeking a place in your arms.
Sheltering, comforting, you’re my way out of the dark.
I am ready.

I come, I come, I come.
Jesus, I come.

Standing with eyes on the cross.
Reluctant to see the weight of my sin on your back.
You soften me.
Jesus I struggle to let you
take on my sin, oh its too great a thing to ask.
And you soften

I come, I come, I come
Jesus, I come

For you’re seeking me, protecting me,
guiding me to your heart.
To your truth for me, leading me.
Into your loving arms.

Oh, you see me.
Hold me close
My Lord, My God, My Father
I’m beautifully redeemed.

I come laying these chains on the ground
releasing the weight, I lay them down
Surrender all to Jesus.

I come, I come, I come
Jesus I come.

For you’ve chosen me, fought for me,
there’s nothing for me to earn
But find rest in you, press into
accept it all from you.

Oh, you see me
Hold me close
my Lord, my God, My Father
I’m beautifully redeemed

I come, I come, I come.