Leaving Breadcrumbs

(NOTE: There is always a point in a blog that I feel like I have no idea how to write and I want to start over. So before I begin, I ask the Lord for His Grace to continue, because it doesn’t really matter if it’s the enemy, or me being my own enemy. There is grace for that, so when it feels like a dumb idea—I’m gonna take those thoughts captive and carry on!)

The what-ifs you think while sitting in the pre-op waiting room are interesting. Scratchy inside-out socks, cool hairnet, no family, a phone that seems a little less useful than usual…and your thoughts. Of course I went there—the “what if” anomaly of a basic surgery

I oscillated between thinking I was going to die and worrying about my missed opportunity to finish ANY project. All the extras get cut away when you suddenly fear you have no choices.

I think Jesus probably stood there with His hand out waiting for me to notice He was standing there and stop giving fear so much fuel.

After an hour of these cold-sweat—should I ask for a sedative–NOT taking my thoughts captive moments…I realized Jesus was not just standing there watching me, He was waiting for me to invite Him in.

I conceded the crazy spinning fear-thoughts, and finally settled into anxious prayer. That counts right?

Anxious spin-out averted.

But even after the anxiety-fear moment faded, I was still left with a simple question. It was much lighter without feat holding on… and I considered quietly. What did I want to leave?

Breadcrumbs.

I want my story and struggle to leave a trail to Jesus. But more than that, I want people in the same places I was—to know there’s hope. I want to be the lantern Jesus shines through to remind people still in the darkness of depression and anxiety-that there is a way out.

My pastor said all the time that we were all broken pots that leaked, and we need to be so full of Jesus that we leak everywhere we go. I want that. To leak.

I know I’m broken—that healing means the cracks are filled with Grace, and Jesus. And the places that aren’t healed-those just get to be leaky cracks. Now I want to be so full of Jesus that He overflows and leaks out.

Here I am guys—a complete mess… but where I used to be unable to come out of my dark closet under pillows.. now I can stand on a stage and share my story. That’s not me-that’s Jesus.

Let me lock eyes with Heaven and leak, Lord.

The nurse came to get me. I was much more relaxed this round.

I had re-centered myself. I had vision, and peace. I wanted to start leaving a trail right that moment. No fear—not because I was brave, but because He had my future.

“Any other questions before we move forward?” The nurse asked.

Yes I do actually…. It’s not anything medical, but my pastor…prayed for everyone. Including his medical team…I would like to honor that—Can we pray first?

Surgery went well. The Lord’s hand was in it from start to finish.

What was this big scary-life threatening surgery? I had my gallbladder removed. I wasn’t really scared of the surgery either—it was more fear of not having enough time.

After the drive home, I began the hard job of resting. (Honestly resting is harder for me than just about anything else) Determined not to repeat the pre-op mental battle… I took charge of the silent space.

“Lord about those breadcrumbs. How do I do that?”

We show truth by our actions and we live by truth and trust the Lord over our feelings because He knows everything! Those pre-op feelings and those dark closet feelings—they are static in the way of meeting the Lord’s heart.

Our feelings change with our circumstances. If we stand on how we feel based on circumstances—the temperature of my coffee, the drivers on the road, the people who comment on my social media—we stand on constantly shifting ground.

We need a solid truth to come back to-or we will sway with the culture and the friends we surround ourselves with.

We find truth in the Word—The more time we spend with the Lord, the more familiar we get with who He is and what He is doing in our lives.

The more familiar with Him we get, the more we start acting like Him. We act like who we hang out with and what we value

All of my kids have been told they have mannerisms like me. My oldest especially.

One day I went into work and was confronted by a coworker in a joking manner. “Your daughter came in yesterday, and from the side we thought she was you! She talks with her hands and everything!”

I believed them, but I didn’t realize just how close those mannerisms were until later.

We were in the same worship set one Sunday morning and later, watching the replay, I realized that from the start both of us had our eyes closed, both of us raised our left hands, both of us held the mike the same way. We were almost perfectly in sync with no awareness.

To have the actions of Jesus, we need to hang out with Him enough to naturally pick up His mannerisms. To learn to be in sync with Him.

If I want to leave breadcrumbs to Jesus, I need to spend time with Jesus.

I am blessed to have some God-fearing, Jesus imitating people in my life. They drew me in with their actions. Somehow they seem to have endless compassion and wisdom. Prepared for any crazy situation without hesitation…these powerhouses seem to have it all figured out.

The closer I get to them, the more I realize they are cracked just like the rest of us; but they also allow themselves to be filled so they can leak Jesus everywhere they go.

(Please forgive me for my mixed metaphors!)

My pastor was one of these influences. Rod Stutzman was a man who asked questions that made you think, told the truth with a smile knowing that he was poking your pride—somehow letting you know there was no shame in realizing your humanity.

He led by example, walked out forgiveness and true humility and called the potential out of everyone in front of Him.

He was the man of God who inspired me to pray in the O.R. It wasn’t extra for him, it was normal. He left breadcrumbs, and he leaked Jesus everywhere.

It’s all a lot simpler than I make it. It’s not something I do at all.

Relationship with Jesus—changes you.

He is the bread, and if we hang out with Him long enough-there will be crumbs.