Caterpillar soup

“Shame is the warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough” —Brené Brown

If there’s something you’re avoiding—you probably have a little shame hiding behind it. Pride and shame go hand in hand—and I’m tired of them following me around.

Shame hides in the dusty “publish” button of my blog. Things haven’t been all that pretty or easy to share. Easier to share when everything has a tidy ending.

I’m still in the goo phase of metamorphosis.

One site called the goo “Caterpillar soup.” Yum.

This is the time in the process where the caterpillar has sensed that it’s time to move on and spin that cocoon. Once in the cocoon, the caterpillar releases enzymes, turns into goo, and begins to grow into something new. Time to hide from the world.

All the pieces have dissolved, even the ones I thought were important components. Only God knows which pieces need to stay for the butterfly He’s creating

Idols cannot stay

I was praying with a friend and an image came to mind of me working on something. Creating, shaping, carving, embellishing…asking others for insight and perfecting the work. I couldn’t quite make it out. As the scene played out, I realized it was an idol that I was working diligently on.

I stepped back and my stomach dropped. It was a statue of myself…with flaws carefully corrected and patched. All that I have worked to fix in myself was fixed in this stone image. Responsibility was taped on, grace, purpose, patience—all there.

Remember the part in Exodus when the Israelites got bored waiting for Moses and made their own idol?

“All the people took the gold rings from their ears and brought them to Aaron. Then Aaron took the gold, melted it down, and molded it into the shape of a calf. When the people saw it, they exclaimed, “‘O Israel, these are the gods who brought you out of the land of Egypt!”’ —Exodus 32:3-4

It was a “golden calf” that looked like me. I couldn’t breathe.

I saw how magnifying imperfections and hyper focus had created bitterness and intense anger with my faults and mistakes. I couldn’t see the Lord’s love or face through the things that needed to be fixed.

I realized my friend was listening to me describe in detail my flaws and idolatry and my face flushed with shame. I didn’t want to keep seeing this thing in my mind. It was awful.

I started to feel panicked. What would she think of me? I wished that I would have dealt with it on my own. That opened the door to let shame speak.

Shame whispered, “If you think she’s going to be your friend after this you’re mistaking. You’re a narcissist. There are whole therapy groups dedicated to healing people like you”

Shame isn’t kind, it comes out with arrogance and partners with pride. They are a bullying partnership. I was done.

“Let’s pray and get rid of this, I don’t want to see it anymore” I said firmly.

She gently reminded me it was time to ask the Lord to remove it, and forgive myself.

Shame needs a place to hide. It tells you lies and blackmails you with fear.

I sent a message to another friend.. just to make sure that there wasn’t any shadow for this particular shame-piece to take hold.

“Hey, I had an idol of myself—fixing my own mistakes instead of asking the Lord. I finally confessed and broke it off. I’m going to only accept what the Lord says about me.” I texted.

I waited for her response.

“GOOD! I have been praying for this for a LONG time!” She said.

Y’ll Pray for friends who do this. Be a friend that does this. If you’re going into a cocoon of goo, you need people who look at your mess and say, “You got this, just rest in the Lord and be the goo, I’ll pray for you.”

The Lord revealed this idol today, and toppled it. Tomorrow, I will need His help to keep it gone and not pick it up.

Today, I let some friends into my caterpillar soup phase.

Oh, and I took away shame’s hiding place in my “publish” button.

Lord, I ask that you would continue to root out idols and pride in my life. Search me and know me! Show me what needs to go! Take out everything in this puddle of goo that doesn’t glorify you. Any cell that doesn’t cry out in worship needs to go! Lord let me be patient, and trust you to reassemble this goo into the butterfly you created me to be.

Amen