The horse walked carefully behind the small girl. Every step carefully planned and placed. Not pulling or lagging, just walking obediently with her gentle eyes on her tiny master. I watched in amazement as the horse responded to each command the 5-year old gave. It was ridiculous to think that the girl controlled the horse’s strength; and yet somehow it seemed she did. The mare had been with the family for years and was deeply loved. She loved in return.
She stepped too quickly and bumped the girll. I took a quick breath my pre-teen self waiting to see what would happen.
The mare stopped; checking on the girl.
“Holly it’s okay, I’m fine. Come on,” she encouraged.
And the horse continued on. Around and around the enclosure…wherever the little girl led, the horse followed.
This week, I am the 5-year old girl.
I’m thinking, “I’ve got this all under control. I’m leading, I can see my destination, and I’m holding the reins. Come on God, I have an idea and a plan. Let’s go!”
I start walking straight ahead. I walk until He gently nudges me.
(Daughter I have another plan for you.)
I stop for a moment and look back, “It’s okay God, I’ve got this, let’s keep going”
And just like the girl I am convinced I know what’s going on. I’m big enough for this. I’ve done this before and now I don’t need help.
Anyone looking can see that He is going along with me. I’m leading, but He is choosing to follow. Out of love, out of compassion. He is going to be there no matter where I go because that’s who He is.
Yet He is also gentle. He could stop at any time, force me even…but He is waiting for me to ask where we should go.
So the Lord must wait for you to come to Him so He can show you His love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for His help. -Isaiah 30:18
Later that same day, my sister was riding Holly. She wasn’t very old and became scared when the horse moved in a way she hadn’t expected. Quickly deciding that getting down was the fastest way, she started to dismount while Holly was still moving forward. Sensing the rider’s shift; Holly stepped to the side of the path.
Everything seemed to happen at once.
My sister tried to get off, the horse stepped to the side, my sister fell off.
She promptly began crying that the horse had bucked her off. Nothing could convince her mind otherwise. She had been on the horse, and then she was on the ground.
I feel this hitting me between the eyes this week. I don’t know what brought up the memory, but looking at the scene between Holly, the neighbor girl, and my sister…I see me trying to lead God on this path I have laid out before me.
Things are shifting, seasons are changing and I am resisting the change because I know it won’t be comfortable.
He senses my discomfort and knows the best thing is to step us both to the side and avoid trouble, but in my haste to get back where I am comfortable and safe…I fall. Convinced God has caused my discomfort and pain.
The truth is He was trying to prevent my discomfort but I wouldn’t relax and trust Him. I tried to do things on my own…my own way, and I found the ground abruptly.
“Lord how do I take what I know and what I feel…lay them both down and pick up trust? How can I walk into that space before I feel it?”
I feel rocked and shaken, I am confused and questioning things I knew even just yesterday. I pause and start to ask the Lord’s help with my whole being, but I pause. If I go all in with this question…choose to trust—whatever the answer is…I am committed. The fall might hurt more if I’m not bracing for it.
I’m not holding on to real security, just my idea of it. I’ve got a deathtrap on the reins…but it won’t stop me from falling if I can’t relax into the Father.
The terror becomes present and physical, I can feel the ground falling beneath my feet as the panic of choice sets in.
In the last moment before I start to feel the fall— I choose to trust.
No matter what the outcome is or will be—fear is no way to live.