Protected by Grace

Yesterday was one of those days I will remember for a good long while. And not just because I put it in my calendar as a yearly reminder. Its one of those days you look back and realize that God had His hands all over it. We are finding more details as the story is told. He is always with us; answering unspoken prayers and comforting. Sometimes it’s easy to forget how sovereign He really is. We go about our daily routines until something stops us–then we look for the fastest resolution so we can go back to it; be uninterrupted.

I am learning that God interruptions are always worth noting and always valuable.

“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” –1 Peter 5:8

I was on my way to an appointment an hour away from home and I found myself feeling anxious. My chest began to tighten and I just felt awful; almost like I was getting sick. I kept getting more anxious as I drove. I couldn’t shake it.  What on earth was this? I don’t have panic attacks…but maybe I was having one. Maybe I should cancel my appointment and go home instead? But no, I needed groceries and I might as well push on, unless something really wrong came up. If it got any worse I would call someone.

“Okay Lord, I don’t know what this is but I’m going to trust you.”

I turned on some worship music and I prayed.  It felt like my prayer somehow bounced. It didn’t feel sincere, deep, or effective. Worship felt empty.

I know it’s not all about my feelings. They can lie to us. When I say it felt like my prayers were empty and not hitting, I’m not only referring to emotion. I mean the combination of emotion (because I am not very practiced at keeping it out of the equation), intuition, and what the Holy Spirit may be prompting me. I’m very human; very thankful for the grace of God.

Even though it felt difficult and sluggish I prayed still. Something was definitely off whether it was me or not. I have learned to trust that. Even if I’m wrong the worst that happens from believing is that I pray more.

After a while, frustrated, I exclaimed…”Lord I just want to be close to you. Help me with this, what do I do? Why do I feel this way?”

I breathed out sharply and began to pray everything that came to mind. I turned up the music and decided to declare the promises whether I felt them or not. I was going to use the frustration as fuel. Anxiety was not my boss.

“You are a Good Father! You are sovereign, just, merciful. Lord thank you that you are a God who heals! You are always present, you are my strong tower.”

The wall of anxiety, frustration and fear stayed firmly in place.

Pray until the joy returns–Havilah Cunnington

So I pressed in. I continued declaring and praying but felt defeated somehow.

“It’s not about my feelings God, I will pray even when it doesn’t “feel” effective. You hear me, I know this. I will call out to you and declare your goodness despite what my feelings say because you are truth.”

I thought about messaging a friend. I didn’t want to bother her with my mini-panic attack.

It was a silly round of feelings, that was all.

And then I heard it…my voice repeating lies. A silly round of feelings…not important, not worth “bothering someone” about. It sounded like condemnation and made me feel ashamed. It was not the voice of the Lord I was believing.

 We are called to community. We need each other to lean on, we need to point each other back to the Lord. If I am weak and struggling to look up, why wouldn’t I call a sister?

So I asked a friend to pray. She did. Quick and simple; a prayer for peace.

I spent the rest of the ride up praying, worshipping, and interceding in prayer for peace over whatever I was feeling. After 30-45 minutes–I finally felt the uncomfortable pressure on my back loosen. I kept at it for a while longer until finally I could completely relax.

“Thank you Lord for your peace that surpasses understanding. For prayer, for hearing me, for surrounding me with good people. Thank you for helping me through these emotions I don’t understand.”

The next five hours were spent with appointments, errands and grocery shopping.

A quick message from my work came in, letting me know I probably didn’t need to come in the next day. I was pretty excited about this, I had wanted to grab a few things for Father’s day and now I had more time! I threw the last of the ground beef into the cart and headed for the produce.

I was almost done when my husband called.

“Everyone’s okay. I got a text from sister. Everyone’s okay” His voice sounded solid but off somehow.

I tried to focus. Probably an accident, but the last I heard my oldest daughter, her grandpa and her siblings were only a short distance from their weekend destination. So close!

I’m just going to be honest. A few choice words crossed my mind as I waited to hear what had happened. I was praying and struggling to keep the panic at bay while trying not to say anything disruptive out loud.

“…rolled the truck…everyone’s okay…not sure what to do from here yet. Hon, are you okay?” he was trying his best to cover the details for me, but I wasn’t really hearing much and I had started to cry. Panic crept into my voice and it shook as I answered him.

“I’ll be fine, um. I just need to pray and process and…are we SURE they’re okay? Who checked them out?”

“Sister is there and she’s with them. I heard the paramedics checking them out.”

“But she REALLY looked hard? I mean of course she did. I’m going to check out and get gas then head home so we can go see them.”

I tried to keep the articles of seatbelt bruising and hidden horrors from my mind and heart. God had this. I prayed with Him for this on my way up. I was pretty sure.

Waves of panic and warmth mixed with tingling and chills hit me.

Text messages had been coming in but I had been ignoring them. Grocery shopping without any idea.

I scrolled through and saw the photo of the truck and lost it. Well, I started bawling in that “I’m at the store and I don’t want to explain what I’m experiencing but honestly I don’t actually care” kind of cry. Tears and random sniffles. Crazy lady on the phone…steer clear!

I called friends and asked them to pray.

The first friend I got ahold of helped me calm  down and reminded me to focus on what God had done…not what the enemy intended.

“Close the door to fear, thank God for His protection. Walk through forgiveness. You know fear and anxiety leave the door open for a lot of things so we need to be sure that we don’t let fear control us.”

I realized that I had been focusing on the “what-ifs” and all the panic that went with it. I instead prayed with her as she thanked God for his protection over my family.

I filled in family members, I texted my husband. I was that lady on her phone the whole time I was going through the check-out.

I was having minor flash-backs to the tree accident my son had just over a year ago. Just like that incident..the Lord had me praying for my kids before anything happened.

The Lord’s hand was over the situation in more ways than I can number.

My middle daughter had just happened to think it was a good idea to sharpen her brother’s pocket knife. The one they used to cut a locked seat belt.

My oldest had felt anxious and prayed as well.

They had bungeed everything in the back of the truck because I was worried about wind or things getting dumped out. No cargo was lost!

Praying before it happened.

Work calling–and more tiny details all taken care of by a loving Father

I learned so many things today. One of them being that mama-bear hugs feel the best late at night after something intense like this.

Praying friends are gold.

We need each other to lean on, to keep us looking up.

We need to remember that the enemy’s schemes are not the focus of the day, God’s goodness is!

He holds the whole world in His hands.

I can’t be everywhere at once or prevent anything. It’s silly to think I can. and I can truly trust my heavenly Father to be where I cannot.

He is good. And Faithful. And so much. I have no words.

I finally got to squeeze my babies and lay eyes on them six hours after the accident. There were tears…not of fear but of overflow. So much emotion. So much gratitude. I was marveling. They were marveling. We all shared the day and how God had walked each of us through this crazy thing.

My oldest said she felt like she was in a bubble. My youngest said he felt like he was in a dream, but there was no fear.

I looked these beautiful kids of mine over from head to toe. Even this morning there is no bruising. Only the hand of God friends.

There is never a promise of no pain, and as much as I like to think I have control when I can see my kids…when I’m present…I don’t. I can’t be everywhere.

And the thing is…God loves them more than me. I have to trust Him with their lives, because He has a plan for them as well, and knows them better than me. Oh mamas, hug your babies tight, but let them be God’s property. He can do so much more than we can.

We are all keeping a close eye on each other today. I’ve been checked on at least twice by each child and three times by my husband. We are a little raw, a little more aware of life and it’s fragility. But we are thankful and bright eyed at the wondrous works of our Heavenly Father.