Breathe.
3…2…1…
Wait…Is she going? She is going. She’s moving forwards.
Don’t hyperventilate. Don’t look panicked. Do I look panicked? Okay, I’m just going to do what she does. Here we go. It’s not scary. People do it all the time. I’m not ready
Maybe I should have backed up. Too late now. Was this even a wise choice? Don’t parents say ”If your friends jumped off a bridge…?” It’s a cliff, is that really better?
We are still moving forwards. I have 10 feet to think. Time moves so quickly at walking speed. Whose idea was it to jump into the water that was freezing this morning? Did we really double check this, I mean really check? Maybe I should back out…
I’m in flip flops! Flip flops are not appropriate footwear for this. I should definitely stop. This was not a good idea
One foot off; too late, I can’t stop now.
Oh my goodness. I HATE falling. Who likes falling. Falling is usually associated with bad things, right? I am completely sure I don’t like this feeling. Its only 12 feet but it feels like 25. Is it possible to fall more slowly? How soon before I need to hold my breath? There it is. Finally, there is the water.
It’s cold. I sink to the bottom but I have my shoes and I’m not falling anymore.
I surface and slow my breathing. I have just officially joined the cliff-jumping crowd. I haven’t jumped off of anything since that day. Until now.
It may not be a physical cliff but it feels high and uncertain. He has been daring me to start this journey for years. I like writing lyrics, thoughts, silly stories and stuff that generally doesn’t matter. I don’t even read blogs, why would I write one?
(Because I asked you to)
My heart beats faster, “God, this feels a lot like falling.”
I’m not qualified. I don’t know what I’m doing. Do I even have anything important to share? I remember biblical examples who made the same statements. Moses comes to mind. “Who me?” Were any of them qualified to do what He was asking at the time? Not really. He saw potential and knew what He alone could cultivate in each. Is this even similar? No, yet big examples make small ones easier to see. Why is it scary? What am I afraid of… words on a screen that might never get read? Writing because He asked me?
There’s no pressure, because I have no expectations. No deadlines, because when He is leading, I am not.
Still, I am a little bit stubborn. So I pretended to not hear Him.
So He got louder. He started using friends to ask-tell me to start a blog.
I talk a lot. would anyone really want to take the time to READ all those words? Then at work the other day a friend of mine who blogs came in.
(Ask her)
But what if she says no?
(What if she says yes?)
She’s probably too busy but I can ask. At the time I really thought that she would say no, or not get back to me. It’s probably the only reason I agreed to ask her…so I didn’t ask; I messaged her on Facebook. I guess I was hoping maybe that question would get lost in digital space?
It didn’t. Doesn’t He always follow through? I need to remember that.
We met for coffee and she spoke so kindly and wisely exactly what God had been putting on my heart. It was time to jump.
Stepping out to do the big things for Him feels an awful lot like falling. The falling that I don’t enjoy. Why?
Because I’m not in control and I can’t change the direction once I’ve started in.
Because what if there is a dark cold space waiting to drown me?
Because I am wearing flip flops and they are not appropriate attire for this endeavor.
Because I’ve never done this and I’m scared it will be bigger and taller than I first judged.
Because no one else would know if I tucked away my laptop and never wrote.
I’m scared of what I can’t plan, prepare for, or change. Don’t those things all need to change for me to truly trust?
But He knows my heart, my fears, my weaknesses and what I need.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26
If God is my strength, knows my heart, provides and supports in times of weakness… then isn’t the falling the good stuff? Could I learn to actually enjoy this feeling…because it is God providing for me? This new falling feeling of leaning into God rather than standing independent of Him. Trusting instead of over-thinking. If God always follows through, has our best interests at heart and always cares for us; then we can probably trust Him?
“Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It’s way over our heads. We’ll never figure it out.” Romans 11:33 -MSG
While I was still struggling with the idea of blog or not. I shared it with my husband. Surely he would have some reason I should say no. Aren’t we already too busy? Again God used those in my life to speak slowly and clearly. My husband did not say no or hesitate. He signed me up. He knew I needed to jump, so he blocked my escape. I love him for that.
I tried making excuses with God about why I wasn’t able or good enough. I didn’t stand a chance really. He knows me. For that I am deeply grateful.
I don’t know what this obedience-adventure will hold or where it will lead. I am excited for the opportunity to share the fingerprints of God in my life. He may do something completely different with me. It may lead nowhere. In truth, I’ve been putting it off for every reason. I even folded socks. I have no more excuses, no more people to ask or delay with.
Its time to hold my breath and fall forward into Christ.
One step off.
I jump.