Before and After: Walking at Midnight

I used to have vivid nightmares. They were worse before I was five, but I still remember some of them to this day. One was recurring and plagued me for years. I would wake up in a cold sweat and run to my parents room talking about the “hot woo” getting me. 

I would dream of this thing sitting at the end of the bed talking to me and taunting me. I was terrified. My mom said that she had no idea what it was that was scaring me. She had moved everything that looked even slightly ominous and checked under the bed. We didn’t watch scary shows of any type and she had tried closing the closet and making my bed differently. Nothing helped. She didn’t know what it was I was afraid of or how to stop the nightmares. 

One morning at breakfast she discovered what it was that scared me. Bless her… she didn’t laugh. 

As she was pouring me a bowl of frosted flakes I screamed, “Hot woo!” After a bit of questioning and consoling she discovered the truth.

I was scared of the cartoon bird on the box. You guys…I was afraid of Toucan Sam.

Sometime later we realized that a stuffed pencil toy put in my toy hammock (an 80’s kids dream), was sticking out at just the right way to look like a toucan’s beak. The mystery was solved, the toy removed and sleep resumed.

Pencils and cereal box celebrities…my childhood fear. 

It didn’t make any sense in the daytime and looking back I have no idea what sparked the fear to begin with. But once the fear grew…I couldn’t stand to be around the items that reminded me of the fear. Somehow seeing the pencil in the daylight didn’t make me feel any better. I felt the same prickle of fear up my spine.

When I was five I had another nightmare. This time spiders were crawling all over everything. They were on the floor and the walls and the ceiling. I screamed and my mom came running and carried me to the living room. I was hyperventilating it was so terrifying. I couldn’t even look at her for fear that the spiders would get me if I stopped watching them. Somehow the spiders were still everywhere even though I was awake. 

In case you were wondering…this was worse than the “floor is lava” game. I’m telling you I wouldn’t have stepped on the floor for anything. I would have won hands down.

In a panic I tried to listen to my mother’s voice. I couldn’t help darting a look back at the floor and ceiling as she talked. She told me Jesus could take away the spiders and the fear. I knew who He was but not how to ask Him for help. She instructed me that we should pray. So I folded my five year old hands and squeezed my eyes shut. And there on the 70’s brown couch surrounded by spiders created by fear, I asked Jesus to be my savior and save me from sin, nightmares and spiders.

When I opened my eyes the spiders were gone and only peace and my grateful tears remained. 

We are living in a time where so many things are uncertain. The last few weeks have been interesting to say the very least. We have all been changed by the culture shift worldwide. 

There is a unique unity in the air…a uniform nod to a shared experience.

“Ya I get you. I don’t like it either”

Some of us have been walking the uncertain territory of job loss, or even family loss. Some of us have been mildly inconvenienced. It’s been rough and heart wrenching and tension-raising and frustrating and sorrow filled, and…so many other things. Fear has made himself pretty big. 

He inserts himself into every broadcast and Facebook story he can. Fear of what people think. Fear of getting sick, fear of not being able to keep your toddler entertained, not being able to keep yourself entertained, eating all the snack foods, fear of going out or staying in, being trapped, being alone, not having enough, not being heard, not being wanted…the list goes on. Fear puffs himself up. Here is what we need to ask.

Is God still sovereign? 

Yes. 

Is God truly ALL-powerful?

Yes. Resoundingly yes!

Is God bigger than fear or what it threatens? 

Yes. 

“God stretches the northern sky over empty space and hangs the earth on nothing. 

He wraps the rain in his thick clouds, and the clouds don’t burst with the weight. 

He covers the face of the moon, shrouding it with his clouds. 

He created the horizon when he separated the waters; he set the boundary between day and night. 

The foundations of heaven tremble; they shudder at his rebuke. By his power the sea grew calm. 

By his skill he crushed the great sea monster. 

His Spirit made the heavens beautiful, and his power pierced the gliding serpent. 

These are just the beginning of all that he does, merely a whisper of his power. Who, then, can comprehend the thunder of his power?” Job 26:7-14 (NLT)

He hung the heavens on NOTHING, surely fear can be conquered without even half a thought! All throughout scripture there is reference to God’s greatness, faithfulness, power and sovereignty. All creation points to and speaks of His glory. 

We are all children again, sitting in our beds afraid of the monsters that hide in the closet or under the bed. Afraid to cry out or make a noise. Afraid anything we do will make it worse or bring out something worse. 

We want to touch the answer and see the answer, but faith is difficult when we are staring at the monster. 

We rationalize, we imagine, we close our eyes and the fear grows. Our hearts beat faster and we open our eyes. Scanning the dark room for anything we can make sense of. 

But what if? 

And paralyzed in fear we run every possibility, every movie we’ve ever seen, every horror we have ever experienced or heard about becomes a possibility. We terrorize ourselves trying to be prepared for what might come out of the dark. Finally in desperation we ask in shaky voices…

“Daddy?”

His voice comes softly. 

“Don’t be afraid.” 

We run and leap into His lap. Heart racing and frantically looking behind ourselves we grab his arms for dear life. We pause, breathing hard looking for the monsters that we are certain are chasing us.

He pats us on the backs and soothes with gentle whispers.

Suddenly the panicked words and what-ifs dissolve. Our minds grow silent, peaceful and quiet. Our hearts still and tears finish their descent. 

“Its okay, look” 

And our Heavenly Father who sees it all and knows it all turns on the light and we can see. We can see a chair with a blanket, and a half-inflated balloon hovering in the closet where monsters with scary reflections floated just minutes before. 

Where the unknown held potential trauma, the light shows grace and hope and peace. The light brings understanding. The Father gives names to the things that scared us, the uncertainties that we created whole stories around. 

When we come to Him with our fear…truth prevails and perspective returns.

His voice waits to cut through. With one flash we see with new eyes. Hope blazes. In one instant, His love touches us deeply and the unthinkable becomes mended and whole. 

Out of the darkness we can come CHANGED by what was meant to harm us.  Instead of putting out the spark of hope, we can see the goodness and bravery. We see a little bit of Jesus in people. Hope sparks. Can you see it?

Where fear was overrunning many of us last week, this week we see windows painted with cheerful colors and sidewalks filled with messages of hope. Community found in tic-tac-toe played through windows, weddings broadcast online and neighborhood Zumba parties.

As Easter approaches so do expectations of good, new beginnings.

Out of fear we see relief…we see joy and Holy laughter. Worship in hospital parking lots, rooftops and balconies. We see people on pause…looking deeper.

There will always be darkness that we walk through, there will be fear–some valid and some not. Some are “what-ifs” and some are like lions prowling at night. 

If we walk through trauma He will be there. We don’t need to walk it twice by living in fear. Fear seeks to rob us of joy and living. Forcing us to stare down the darkness and prove we can handle it or are prepared for it; and it doesn’t work. 

Why let it rule us and pull us away from the very things we are afraid to lose? We have a Good Father just waiting for us to call so He can come in, turn on the lights and show us the truth of our fear. 

It doesn’t matter what your fear is called, if it’s a cereal box celebrity or a real trauma you have lived. It’s time for us to take fear’s power away. To worship in spite of whatever is going on. To stand up and let that spark inside us grow–to choose joy and trample fear. It’s time to give Love His place back.