Where it’s Icy

I just read an article about Lauren Daigle and whether or not she is really a Christian. I don’t think anyone but God or Lauren can answer this question fairly. I also don’t believe it should be the topic of public discussion. It’s not a “for the masses” question and really…it’s nobody’s business. The part that affected me most…was when they used her testimony against her.

“I remember I would bargain with God: ‘Don’t ever make me sing Christian music.’ Like, ‘I am not about it. I’m not going to sing Christian music. It’s lame, cheesy”

She said this in an interview with Billboard magazine. In the video though they only highlight the quotes, completely leaving out the “I remember I would bargain with God” part. They took what they needed to prove the point and become judge and jury. Completely unfairly.

Now this is where it gets a little bit uncomfortable for me.

Is that situation any different than what you do to yourself? You gather witnesses made of lies, your own perception but only the negative side. You leave out all the positives, all the intent, all the truth. You take only what you feel and what you  have seen and you use it against yourself. Refusing to see the whole picture. Life is messy, it is hard, you are human. You will never see what I see, never fully understand the whole picture or the beauty of yourself as a whole person. But you are ignoring what you have the capacity to do. You are leaving out all the truth you know; judging in cold facts and one perception.

I have felt my time slipping away from me. I am learning a new pace, I have new priorities and the change is painful. I wouldn’t change it, but it is always hard to create a new normal.

I decided to track every thing that I did in a week. I wrote down every detail. The way pretty much every minute was spent. It was just like tracking finances. Parts of it I was proud of, parts of it I wanted to burn and never actually acknowledge.

This was one of my days last week:

• 9:00am- wake-up
• 9:30am- Coffee shop for working internet
• 10:00am-email, social media, coffee, daydreaming
• 11:00am–still staring at a blank page, answering texts.
• 11:30am–lunch, Bible studies
• 12:30am–give up writing and head home.
• 1-2pm– cleaning, misc. household things, checking in with kids.
• 3-5pm–Can’t stay awake so I take a nap
• 5-6pm–write while kids make dinner
• 6:30-9:00- Bible Study
• 9-9:30–grocery store
• 10:00–drop off groceries
• 10:30-1:00am–writing and prayer time.

There is so much about this schedule that drives me crazy. I feel so much shame and irritation with myself because honestly the rest of the week is pretty similar. Throw in a super early day three times a week because that’s my work schedule.

I am a mess and I’ve made it. I have the timeline to prove it. And God’s words are painful to hear because I don’t want to be let off the hook. I want the punishment I feel I deserve. This is not what I want things to look like.

And no. I haven’t asked God what He wants things to look like either. I think I am afraid to see what He sees. It hurts to see all the things I think I should be beyond. Responsible adults don’t do this, they are successful, check things off lists, do what has to be done no matter how they feel about it. Real grown-ups have answers and tell you to stop being immature and just do life.

I am not that. I want to be like that…but do I really?

I don’t fit into that box. I don’t like the mess, and I could just force myself to step up into that role and make everything look nice. I did it for a long time. I forced every sloppy part of me to fit into a mold and polish up nice until I heard people talk about how well I was doing; how amazing I was. Then I held my breath.

I think it might actually be more painful to acknowledge the whispering over me:

“Let grace cover, accept mercy, Love is here. Just soften, let out that breath and take mine.”

I don’t believe it. How can I? But Faith isn’t believing what you have seen and felt. It isn’t having evidence and proof and choosing to make the most logical decision.

And then there is the trust thing. I can’t really be trusting the Lord completely if I don’t trust Him also with me.

Ouch.

So I look at my time-log from last week again. I start looking at every line, and then remembering the social media time that was praying for others. The meet for coffee and let someone spill their guts. The times I met with friends so they could lift me up and remind me of my Good and Loving Heavenly Father. I might have things I want to change about my schedule, but I need to be honest about the rest of the evidence too: I haven’t been sleeping, Health issues lead to my fatigue, Not all the time spent not-running was wasted. There was a lot between the lines. And..not every day can be spent packed full.

So let’s just keep it real today. I’m a mess. I don’t feel stable or responsible or grown-up.

I feel –I’m going to take one step at a time even though it hurts and I don’t feel like I’m getting anything right. My emotions are all over the place and everything feels uncomfortable. Today feels like a loss already but I refuse to concede so I will crawl through it if I have to.–

Today’s success might be letting my broken messy self crawl up into my Father’s arms as I blast worship music loud enough to drown out my enemy. List gratitude and the blessings under my breath instead of curses or muttering. Today all I might be able to do is acknowledge the truth of His intentions; mine are a mess.

“Today Father  I bring you me. Just this. In desperate need of grace and mercy. Incomplete on my own and a ball of tangled emotions that rule me more than I would want them to. I don’t even know where to begin with this so I come to you and ask you where to begin. Jesus, it’s me. Help”