I don’t live in yoga pants. I don’t judge anyone who does. I don’t even lounge in my pjs. I applaud those of you who can! I also don’t leave the house if I’m not ready for anything I might encounter. Fixing my hair and makeup is part of the whole “getting dressed” process. I don’t want to have to go back to my room to change…I have too much to do!
A lot of things have changed for me as I have been finding my freedom in Christ. This hasn’t. But today for the first time…I went to yoga this morning and I am sitting in a coffee shop writing. Still in yoga pants.
The fact that I am relaxed and okay with this says a whole lot for those who know me. It means a huge change in freedom…a shift from wondering what people think of me to being comfortable in my own skin. I still struggle with this a lot, I carry too much fear here, but for just that moment of walking in the door…I was proud of myself for coming so far.
I took a moment in my mind to celebrate with God over this area of freedom in my life as I got in line.
I turned to pick up my coffee and saw a woman I had just met next door. I smiled in recognition and she smiled back. The barista asked me a question so I turned to answer. When I looked back she was still looking at me, but was doing a less than subtle floor to shoulder gaze.
Instantly my mind went to being ashamed for being in workout clothes. Maybe I didn’t match, or maybe there was a hole in my leggings? Did they fit wrong? I was sure I had committed some sort of fashion faux pas.
No. I am NOT going down this road. I just decided I wasn’t doing that today. No.
“Enemy lay off the condemnation…I am not playing that game again!”
I didn’t know what she was judging in me, but I wasn’t going to let it change me today.
(What if it is more about her than you? What if she sees something in you that she needs?)
“Uh…like what?”
(Freedom. Grace. Me.)
I smiled kindly to her when she finally looked up again. It wasn’t easy to not keep looking at her as she kept glancing my way.
I was trying very hard not to engage in the questions of what was wrong with me. Instead I focused on what I might be able to do to show kindness and reflect His light. It didn’t feel quite right to approach her, but I did choose to ask.
“Lord what can I do to lay down my presumptions and bring her your light today?”
(Be a window. Let her see your face soften and be kind, let her see your love for her no matter what it is that she is thinking. you haven’t walked in her shoes or seen her path, but even knowing your own should give you insight into what she might be dealing with, her own insecurities. Being accepted is the last thing she expects. She sees freedom in you she wants. So be a window and let her see in. Plant a seed)
So I sat here…knowing she was staring, but not acknowledging it. Softening my gaze, thanking God for His voice and gentleness. Instead of wondering about her thoughts of judgement against me, I began to wonder what her path of finding freedom would look like. I began to thank God for what He would do in her life and how He would restore her joy. What a good father!
What if we did the same for each other? Oftentimes we will notice something is wrong long before we notice what is wrong. And sometimes its about asking “what isn’t right?” more than “What is wrong?” We notice things. Social cues, body language, attitude, the way people dress, the words they speak and how they are said…we notice. It’s not about pretending we don’t notice those things. It’s about WHY we notice.
I can see the woman looking at me and wonder what is wrong with me, or I can see her and wonder how I can uplift her. I don’t know what she was thinking, it may have been positive!
As women we see things in others, we see things in ourselves. So easily it can become a judgment contest. I’m not immune..I find myself thinking those thoughts we don’t like to admit out loud.
“At least I’m more put together than her.”
“My bad hair days never look like that”
“I don’t know how I would handle my kids acting like that”
The negativity tears relationships apart…even the ones we haven’t made yet.
I am convicted by this idea…losing a relationship I haven’t started because of judgement?
We need each other. We need community. What if we used this amazing ability to see details and errors to lift each other up? How amazing would it be…what relationships would we form? How much freedom could we bring to that struggling sister if we noticed that she looked like a train wreck and rushed to help her clean up the broken pieces instead of pointing them out and naming them?
Hey…I get it. I’ve been there, let me walk with you.
Just this morning someone commented, “You haven’t quite looked yourself, is everything okay?” She didn’t judge or condemn me. She came beside me to offer support.
Sometimes we just need someone to walk out the hard stuff with us.
The way Christ does.
So yes. I am in yoga pants. I am pretty sure I have an awesome piece of hair doing its own thing. And…I ate an almond croissant even though I shouldn’t eat one.
And I’m not judging myself for it.
I won’t judge you or your mess either.
Sister…we are in this together.
