I stare off at the darkening skyline. The sunset has faded to just a few pinks and deep navy blues. The silhouettes of freshly pruned trees stand out against the fading light. There’s an ache in my chest. I can feel peace pressing in; gently urging me to release stress, relax. But I can’t because I am too focused on feeling the ache of words and unsettled problems. Pray; but I don’t want to, I don’t want to admit the pride and shame, I’m not ready to forgive myself. I can’t even look myself in the eyes.
“Speak, even if your voice is trembling, Please, you’ve been quiet for so long”
The Voyage begins playing in my mind. I might have been able to ignore His tender voice, urging me to listen…but music cuts through the fog in a unique way for me. He knows I will hear it more clearly. So the song plays on in my mind until I concede and put it on the car speaker.
“Believe, it will be worth the risk you’re taking…”
It was worth the risk to follow Him the first time, and the second. And I believe it will be every time He asks, but can I let it go again? It seems harder to listen this time, I feel like humility is even further away. I struggle between hurt pride and knowing the right thing to do. It’s a risk to be exposed–even to myself.
But I remember He has taught me this lesson before…even when I think I have it figured out, I don’t. Even at my best I am lacking. I give Him everything when I think I’m polished and shiny; on my best behavior. When I’m broken and rusted? I don’t want to bring that mess. But in that mess He can redeem even more.
I can’t Lord, I’m too slow to learn, obstinate, stuck in my circles, too stuck in unforgiveness. Too stubborn and prideful.
(I have already seen messy. I was there remember? I have seen your independent, your anger and unforgiveness, your striving. Its not new to me. Not a surprise. You’re so wound up in what you think needs to be done a certain way. You’re taking a hard road, and it doesn’t have to be that hard. Just settle, rest, take a breath; a break. It’s all in my timing. I have a plan for you. This is not who you are, this is striving. I know who you are. Do you?)
That question—”Do you?”
How do I answer?
He knows–I won’t be telling Him anything new. I look like this Lord. I’ve weighed more and less, I’ve been more put together and less. I am 5′ 7″ and I have been in better shape than this before. I’ve been better– and worse. I play piano, I sing, I write a blog…
But He is asking for deeper.
So I make a list.
I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a friend. I am ridiculously creative sometimes (it borders on crazy at times). I am caring and willing to jump in to help. I am a recovering perfectionist. I like sleep—but I am afraid of it. I am a good friend at times, and a distracted and selfish friend other times. I don’t budget well. I am not put together or organized. I procrastinate and have to set ridiculous boundaries to be on time. I get hyper-focused on things. My life is chaotic in a way. I want to be an amazing mom who does all the things worth taking pictures of…I barely scrape it together most days. I hesitate to act, but I also act on a whim. I am pretty quick to pick things up—or I miss the concept entirely and there’s not much in between. I have an immense amount of faith in most things. I believe in prayer because I’ve seen miracles. I hear from God. I am learning always. I want to learn more things than I have time for. I want to steward all the Lord has given me well, but I don’t feel equipped to do so. I feel unqualified constantly but am relying on grace. The truth is I am a mess of contradictions, sin and pride. I am wandering through all this.
“Lord, that’s not even all of it. I don’t know what makes a person, I don’t know my “identity.” My life is so messy and there are things that I say about myself that aren’t kind or gentle. There are things that I do and claim that aren’t really my true personality, but rather the things I’ve adopted. They aren’t your best for me. But it is such a tangle how do I sort it out? Who did you create me to be?”
(I created you to be my daughter. To be fully mine and seek my heart. To spend time with me. To have relationship with me. To be free to run barefoot in the mud, or start dancing. To worship without checking the environment for other people; to worship in a space that belongs just to us. To be free to act on the silly impulses that bring you joy. To step out in the rain and sing. To write music and share joy with others. To lead and sing in the way that you do. To walk without hesitation into the calling on your life that you will find purpose in! That you will fully enjoy because it is in you to. I see your heart, I know what you desire but fear to ask. I delight in you! I want to share your joy and comfort your tears. I love you! If you could see what I see, you would not doubt your place or your heart so much. So many doubts and worries get in the way of our connecting. Ease your shoulders, your tension…take a breath, close your eyes. Let me show you who I am; the perfect love I have for you. Walk with me fearlessly. Let the confusion and tangles fall away. Breathe in my peace daughter. You are more than the adjectives of the world)
And even here with my laptop I feel less than worthy of His words. But yet, there they are. Exposed and open for even my eyes to see.
“I can’t look at my mess. I just see everything that I need to change…all the improving that needs to be done. I need to step up in a lot of places, to take responsibility for my lack and do what I should be doing. I should be keeping my house cleaner and reading more, taking more time with kids and husband, be more honest with friends. I am trying, I just am not enough”
(Says who?)
“Everyone. No one. It’s just not what it’s supposed to look like. I’m not doing things the right way.” and I mean the “normal” way.
(You think I took the time to make each person different only to tell them to be the same in other ways?)
“No…”
There are as many ways to live life as there are people. As long as we try and change ourselves to fit someone else’s ideas, we will struggle to feel loved and content. We weren’t created using the same mold. We are each preciously unique, and He didn’t make us the same!
Looking out at the orchard and the fading light I feel the urge to take off my shoes and run through the orchard in the dark. I need a dose of freedom and some dirt beneath my feet. A touch of something God-made to remind me that I am God-made too.
I hesitate.
Whose box is it anyway?
This walk with the Father isn’t about figuring out a formula. Friend, we are far too complex to fit into a box! Every detail was carefully created in us…our physical appearances, our gifts and our abilities. Sure we’ve been a little beat up by life, but our value hasn’t changed. Not once.
We feel exposed when we stand out. It is safer to blend in. But who are we blending with? Whose standards are we conforming to? What cause are we sacrificing bits of ourselves to?
In Genesis 25 the younger brother, Jacob, is cooking. The older brother has been out in the fields working. Esau is tired and hungry. He is so desperate for food that he will do anything to get comfort. He begs his brother for food. Jacob sees an opportunity and asks his brother to sell him his birthright for a meal. It seems like such a trivial thing to sell a birthright for, but comfort was his priority…not the bigger picture.
Are we dangerously laying down our God-given birthright for an earthly meal? Laying down our uniqueness and the blessing, for the temporary satisfaction and comfort of blending in?
Esau said, “I am about to die; of what use is a birthright to me?” (Genesis 25:32)
I find myself hesitant to live loud, to live brave. Yet there is more freedom there than I have dared to hope. More fresh air. We can’t love unless we know how to BE loved. We can’t accept love if we are speaking hate about ourselves. It simply doesn’t work.
I relax my shoulders and breathe deeply.
“Lord, I have tried to fit in with everyone. I am looking for others to tell me I have value. It is uncomfortable to stand out; I don’t like conflict! I know I shame myself for my flaws and mistakes; I am harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I know too, that you don’t see me this way. Show me what you see and teach me to love what is there. Show me who you created me to be. Teach me to stand in my uniqueness! Show me how to love this mess that I am…this daughter that I am…so I can love others. It is beyond my strength… so in my weakness I ask for help. I choose to trust you. I choose faith. Show me who you are and how you love. Teach me to walk with you in freedom.”
We were created in His image, not copies of each other but perfectly unique. He doesn’t fit in the box and neither should we.
I have been in and out of the box off and on. I think I’m living more on the outside of the box but some days I fall back in. Whether it feels easy or difficult, I need to remember that He walked this path before me. We will have trouble, but it’s not all hardship! There are blessings on this path, walking it independent of Him, and uncertain of our identities only makes it more difficult. Walking a tightrope instead of choosing a side.
When we choose to stand in who we were created to be we won’t ever fit in the box because we are beautifully unique! 
I was inspired by a friend to really look at what living outside the box means. I found more depth to the idea than I anticipated, and of course God came in and revealed even more. It’s amazing how we can all help and inspire each other isn’t it?
You can see all the good she is doing here at Living A Good Story.