The Adventure of Impatience

I want to grow up.

I want to get to the day where I don’t say the wrong thing when I know better or react before I think.

When I understand who I am and don’t question my worth anymore. When I can rest in being loved and share that freedom with others.

When I find maturity in life and in faith. When I’m not getting it wrong or making false assumptions. Can I just jump to the end? I’m having growing pains.

*sigh* I know better. I have learned this lesson.

Jumping to the end wouldn’t have the same result as walking the journey. There is something unique about the way God brings us to Him. Every detail and choice we make woven into the final tapestry.

I want to see and be the finished piece with confidence.

(Grace)

“Okay, but I see your wonders and I can see there is even better to come! How can I go each step of each day without knowing how to connect or discuss with people when people don’t know this freedom. I just want to share it in a perfect and wise way; a God way. But I am imperfect and share too boldly or too quietly; I get the timing wrong, forget to ask You for help, my attitude and expectations get in the way, I make a mess of it all. My experience is low and My efforts do not penetrate the way I want them to.“

And that’s it right there.

The way I want them to.

It’s not about me at all. Any light I have in me, comes from God. And its the God-light that draws people in. It’s not me that will speak to someone where they are in the way they need; its Him. It’s Him who carefully and gently guides and directs. Him who provides opportunity and waters seeds. It’s by His hand that we were created at all. I am willing…but HE is able.

I am His creation. He knitted me together in my mother’s womb. Carefully created, breathed to life, planned and chosen. I have purpose; a calling. He created me with value that doesn’t change based on my success. I am who He created and for that I am valued. My actions don’t change that, nor do my circumstances. Neither do yours. Your value isn’t based on your grades in school, your family life, your driving record, your bowling score, or your college degree (or lack of one.) Those are worldly standards. You can use them and be successful. Whose world do you want to be successful in? That’s really the question.

I want to be successful in God’s eyes. Which may mean laying down my busy-ness and a thousand interests. It might look like failure or shame to those around me.  It may simply mean re-directing. Re-shaping. Re-folding.

I used to fold dollar bills into rings when I was in school. We would be overly excited when the vending machine stuck out a few brand new crisp bills. They folded the best! And when we had exhausted the number of times a person could fold a ring, box, or random shape that we made sound cool…well we moved on to paper origami.

My journey with Christ reminds me a lot of an origami project. No really…bear with me.

When you start a new project you have to find out what size and shape paper you need. Most projects work well with squares but some need fat-rectangles or super thin rectangles. Start with the right material. Fresh clean paper without folds. You can make crumpled paper work, but the finished project won’t really look as good.

God created us each with personality, talents, abilities and different ways to see the world. He knew what material to make us from.

As you work, you make sharp creases that perfectly line everything up and look amazing.

And then you will undo-them leaving behind a line you can’t take out of the paper…

All this extra work when you aren’t even going to use that fold?

but see…the extra folds are required to make other more complicated folds later. Each has a purpose. Each fold is not a scar or flaw in the piece but rather a previous impression that can be used to make the finished piece more beautiful.

We make decisions all the time; sharp creases that seem to fit perfectly and line up. No errors, no messes; just our short-sighted perfection. But the journey isn’t done here.

God sometimes makes us back up. Undo our folds. The marks of our choices and the discomfort of changing directions seems harsh and painful. He has a plan. He can build on our early experiences. Use the time we spent in different things as a way to make future decisions easier.

I often forget that just because something doesn’t work the way I think it should; doesn’t mean it wasn’t God working.

As I fold, each turn and flip of the paper results in a new angle. There are new creases to be added in places that won’t even be seen in the finished piece. But each crease is vitaly important to assure good alignment, placement, crisp corners, or detail that will make the project look like what it was created for.

Just like the paper God uses life to flip us and work on things we didn’t see. Help smooth out some of the hurt or assumptions to create a more precise and polished piece. The journey is so important because we become strong in character with each fold carefully placed and led by our Creator.

When the piece is done, I might see a fold or two (or 12…I’m not a pro) that weren’t supposed to be there. It may be lopsided or torn even. But each step was built on the last step. Each wrong fold scars the piece. But in the end, it is still what it was created to be.

If I will trust my Father who knows why I was created and how; for what purpose. His journey may be hard and I may not understand it…but it will be good.

Some folds seem wrong to me but serve a purpose; some seem right but don’t truly line up. Sometimes my best decisions scar me when I make them without Him. His Grace heals the hurt. He heals my spirit.

I may not believe His redirection is good for me, but it always has been before. I have seen and experienced the evidence of this. Will I trust Him?

I can trust that His Grace will cover my errors and teach me where to unfold my hard choices; so I can re-fold the right ones.

I can’t jump to the end of the adventure to maturity anymore than I can will a piece of paper to become a butterfly. There isn’t a way to skip the steps that I need to become what He sees in me. I need to lay my impatience down and trust His timing…and then walk in it. He has always been faithful; sure and strong. Will I let Him make choices for me, and show me where to go? Trust that He knows how this piece should be folded for the best result? Trust that wrong folds will be handled with the gentleness and softness of a loving Father, who only wants us to see Him; see joy?

“Father I thank you that you guide me. That you handle me so gently and patiently. Your perfect timing is planned and I have nothing to worry over because you have already taken care of it. Thank you for the creases that you have smoothed in me. That when I was saved and washed you removed the crumpled mess that I was and restored me to a perfectly fresh piece of paper that you could mold into beauty that sees you. I choose to accept that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That I am valued and loved. That I have purpose and you care for me. And Lord…I commit to walk as you lead. Amen.”