It’s quiet. The kind of peaceful quiet that comes with snow or after a heavy rain. Like the whole world has taken a deep breath and let it out in a long relaxed sigh.
Peace.
This place of forgetting and releasing the striving harried days. Not trying to plan life—just living it.
Just one still moment. In between checking on chickens and finding distracted boys. A sigh. A snapshot scene that comes over me.
(Grace. Beauty. Stillness. I created gray skies and rain to refresh the thirsty ground. To renew. A season of fall for slowing down and getting ready for deep rest. Deep healing. Pulling back the layers of summer busy and harvest. The ground pulled up and left raw to absorb all that has happened in the season of busy-ness. Breathe. Don’t try and steal weeks of time or set aside days. Just breathe in each still moment. Listen to the sounds of creation.)
No rush. This quiet morning of near-silent mist soothes. It stills me. Here there is rest. and joy too. Here Lord. I can see you here. I can stop and listen.
Damp leaves and soft wet grass. Bright colors and stark contrast. Such beauty. And we have eyes to see. In color. Color vision isn’t even necessary for survival. We don’t need color; but then—maybe we do. Maybe we needed to see beauty, to see creation point to Creator. For His glory to be revealed.
We need the overwhelming and intricate scenes of pure creativity. Something impossible by human standards to recognize the author. The brilliant colors and delicate detail—so random they are perfectly planned.
Will I remember?
This was me a month ago. Enjoying a warm fall drawn out and lazy; not the usual rush from summer to spring in a few weeks. Pausing. Just existing.
These last few weeks I have been trying to make up for lost time. Trying to play catch up. I procrastinated dealing with insurance qualifications until I couldn’t ignore it any longer. Then I found out I needed to work extra to catch up.
After praying and questioning (and kicking myself), I decided to try and stay qualified. This means that I’m working more and home less. Let’s not even talk about how “real” my house looks right now.
The price of procrastination is stress and exhaustion—worry and busy-ness. I don’t like it.
Somewhere in the middle of this craziness I feel the Holy Spirit blow through.
(Daughter…stop. Find your rest in me in the craziness. Yes it’s possible! Just not in your own strength. If it was attainable in your strength you would not need me. You wanted to learn to lean more and depend on me more. This is the way. Rest in the mess. )
War feels frightening and overwhelming too. I can bring peace there.
In the middle of the ocean with waves higher than houses… I can still that storm too.
Why is this crazy flurry of work and busy any more intimidating than that?)
Ugh. Why am I so lost in this storm?
My eyes fell. My vision went to the storm and off of my security.
I noticed this weeks ago but I kept pushing.
Work and push and squeeze the life out of every inch of page in the planner. If I push harder it will get easier.. If I push ahead and push through I will find space to breathe.
But life doesn’t work that way.
When I clear something off of my schedule something slips in and fills that space.
So I push harder—find more space.
More clutter falls in.
I push harder.
I cry out under the weight. “God help me! This is hard. Too hard!”
Silence.
I can do this.. I can make it work, I can try harder do more push longer—
And I’ve been lost in the storm…
As soon as I realized it I started trying to find my way back. And I was pushing again. This time harder and longer in a new direction.
When you sign up for swimming lessons they teach you a portion on saving others. They tell you to always throw the life preserver to the drowning person, then tow them in that way. If you hold the life preserver and let them grab you, they may panic and push you under in the heat of their struggle to survive. They can end up drowning you while trying to do what they feel is necessary to breathe; to be saved.
I was struggling to hold on and find breath. I wasn’t listening to reason. Pushing under the thing trying to save me. Getting lost in the panic.
I realized I was fighting everything; the storm, my savior, truth, fear—all of it.
I froze.
I wasn’t fighting anymore, but I wasn’t looking up.
But I was scared of His voice. What if I was too broken to hear, what if I was too lost to hear correctly. Was it the enemy? Was it me? was it God?
I put my hands over my ears, held the questions in and rocked back and forth asking God to save me.
Was He speaking to me? I don’t know. I wouldn’t listen because I was afraid.
Do you see it? The enemy’s tactic that I missed?
I do now.
While I was busy running from what God was telling me, being terrified of listening to the wrong voice…
I wasn’t possibly listening to the same voice I was actually listening to the wrong voice. It sounded like mine…logical and straightforward. But it wasn’t.
“If you don’t know, you shouldn’t listen—you might do something you’ll regret, say something wrong, go down the wrong path—- you might go back there (to depression)”
But it was general fear. Nothing specific. It wasn’t original or even really that logical. I was so afraid of what might happen if I listened at all that I didn’t even really think any of it through.
One day I had felt prompted to pray for someone. The same moment I decided I would I started over thinking, or listening to doubt—I’m not sure which.
“What if you’re wrong, what if you just look silly and it turns that person away from God. You are messing with big things here, better be sure…”
…the moment passed as I panicked about possible catastrophe and social implications. and then doubt came in to help.
“You really think your prayer matters to that person? What makes you so special?”
So how do you find your way back when you’re in the middle of a mess? When you’ve been listening to the wrong things, not spending time in the Word, ignoring the convictions of the Holy Spirit, and in general—you haven’t been in the center of Christ’s will for your life?
When you know better…but you don’t know better.
Our predicaments are not a surprise to God. I don’t know why we always pretend that we’ve been doing wrong somewhere He can’t see and now we have to confess something that will surprise Him and cause Him to act contrary to what we know of His nature.
Treat Him like an angry parent? He is not that.
He knows and keeps track, He knows the doubts we have, the questions we have, the insecurities, the battles, the grudges, the anger…everything. We are building relationship by confiding in Him and learning to walk with Him.
In fact, He uses the things we get ourselves into as opportunities to grow us…to draw us near when we panic, when we start drowning—He brings us back and we learn to trust Him more.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” James 1:2-3
Joy? What? That doesn’t sound fun.
(You asked to grow, to come deeper. To learn more. This is the way—leaning in when it is hard and you don’t want to. Leaning in when you know that’s right but you can’t see which direction is the right way. Just walk because you know it will be okay. That is faith. Walk and step out— faith comes as you see where we’ve gone.)
I started looking for God to show up again… like I did at the beginning. Started listening for the still small voice, knowing I’d missed Him somewhere.
A friend told me once that if I can’t hear Him speaking I should go back to the last place I heard and do what He said.
Sure.
Where was that?
“Okay Lord, how do I come back? How do I find you.”
The answer was very clear over the next few days
It seemed like every conversation I had, every sermon I listened to and every book I read… the answer jumped out at me. I couldn’t miss it. “Renew your mind by the Word of God”
Oh.. yes I seem to remember you asking for that. I didn’t want to have to find time, so I hadn’t listened. Oops.
“Lord, please forgive me for blaming you for my mess. I confess that I haven’t been spending time in Your Word or making You a priority. I haven’t. I’ve been too busy trying to make it all okay by being busy. Please forgive me for making my mess and busy-ness idols in my life. I renounce the idols of busy-ness and pride. You are the only true God and I ask You to again take the throne of my heart. Thank you for loving me and waiting for me to come back. Thank you for your kindness and mercy and grace.”
This mess? It’s what the process looks like. It’s what the journey looks like. Messy and hard. Imperfect. It winds and doubles back.
I am on this adventure with God. I am learning how to traverse the mountains and valleys. Learning from the guide who created it.
I’m headstrong and stubborn. And selfish.
“Your way looks long and hard God, I’m going to save some time and mature quicker by going this way…it’s a shortcut. Watch!”
He knows it’s not, that we will get hurt and trip and fall, we may even break something. But He follows us, ready to scoop us up and save us the minute we ask for help.
Lord, I confess that I’ve taken my own path again. I’ve taken control and chosen my own path that I thought was better. I’m repenting. I am refusing to be ashamed of this lesson I keep learning over and over. I will be where you’ve put me and learn what I can. I accept your grace and my humanity. I accept that my journey may not be as quick as I want it to be. I am going to stop leading and controlling everything. I am giving you control. I’m turning around and asking…
Jesus, Help.