I’ve got one hour. All I need to get done is…bible study, be still, plan the week, the grocery list, write the blog in my head, spell check the paragraph I started for a friend, that other writing project, journal, reply to the text messages and get ready for work.
Easy peasy.
I am really excited about all of the things on the list, but getting to them is proving to be interesting. I’m not crazy, I know that I can’t get them all done.
But I intend to try anyway.
Two days later…I’m trying again. I’ve got six books, two notebooks, three workbooks, a stack of paperwork and a list even longer. I’ve got another hour left of time and I haven’t chipped away much.
I come and set up with the best of intentions, stare at a blank screen through tired eyes, watch the clock count up and pack up and head home.
What is wrong with me? I used to write faster than I could talk.
As soon as I finish with these projects, things will get simpler. As soon as I check off some boxes I will have more time. I will be less distracted with less on my plate. Then I will be able to write again. If things would just stop coming up. You know?
How does a respectable schedule with “white space” somehow get polluted with obligation?
Because I let it. Somewhere in the walking and living…I decided my value was in how well I could keep it all going and what I could deliver to people. So I pile it on to earn admiration. All this people pleasing is exhausting. Worse yet, it reveals a fear of not pleasing people.
There it is. I still fear what people think of me. I don’t like it, but it’s true. If I don’t get it all in, or measure up…I may not be of use to anyone.
I know I’m not the only one, but I am bothered that I struggle with the same thing.
But I’m trying to learn grace. Learn to recognize my desperate need for it, but also to accept it as an un-earnable gift.
Okay so I still have too much to do. *sigh* I still try to please people. And…
I am still loved. If I do nothing tomorrow, still loved. But…yes there are a lot of things that might happen if I really don’t do anything tomorrow. I may feel defeated and guilty and hopeless. But God will still whisper His love over me. It doesn’t make sense.
It’s a mystery in fact.
“No, the wisdom we speak of is the mystery of God—his plan that was previously hidden, even though he made it for our ultimate glory before the world began” -1 Corinthians 2:7
Breathe.
Rest.
Still.
We are loved right where we are at, even if we’ve written about this before.
“Lord, will we ever get this right? Ever really let it sink in that we run on grace?”
(You have all been hurt. You are all adding up with all your fingers and toes what makes you worthy. This many trips to the store, this many accomplishments, this many degrees, this many classes, this many good deeds, this many apologies, this many times you held your breath instead of yelling, this many times you yelled, but sent a gift afterwards. This many times you chose the right thing. The unworthy feeling and false humility are blinding you to what you are actually doing. You are all chasing your tails and trying to find yourselves in the name of being better people. You are my children, I want to see you living in freedom and loving because you feel loved, not because you are obligated to. Unconditional sincere love comes from the overflow not from a dance step that you learn. Just stop the running. Go outside, breathe fresh air, be still until your thoughts make you uncomfortable then submit them to me. You stop the busy when you refuse to let it become your idol. building yourselves up with to-do lists instead of the whispers of my Love. You stop spinning when you look up at Me instead of your feet. And stop sacrificing your life and the good you can do to the idol of time. Just surrender and come back to the altar with your whole hearts and dirty hands. I will do the washing. Just come home. Just Sit with me.)
And I feel it…in just the few quiet moments of seeking stillness and His heart, I feel mine still. When we are ready to admit that we broke it, we can take it to our Dad for fixing. And maybe…we will learn we don’t have to try to duct tape it ourselves first.