Grace for Me

“Are you ready?”

“Ready for what?”

“Ready to go!”

“Where?”

“Don’t worry about it…just grab some stuff and lets go?”

“How long do I have? Where are we going? what stuff do I need?”

“We’re leaving in 10 minutes, don’t worry about it…just yourself”

~

I don’t really like surprises like that. I need to know where we are going and what it looks like. How will I be prepared if I can’t know anything? I like to plan for every outcome. I could probably survive a few small catastrophes with the items in my purse.

What if I pack shorts and we’re headed someplace cold? What if I pack nothing and we’re headed on a week long road-trip? What if we are going out to dinner…I need to plan for that. There are too many unknowns in this sort of equation for a control-freak-in-recovery.

My adventure to freedom is definitely a blind-faith-journey. It is a trip of single steps. I was determined to start out but scared of the journey. I had nothing to offer but obedience.

I am beginning to get a feel for the rhythm of it. I am not without trouble but lacking some of the fear that came with me before. A little less hesitant, a little more confident.

I can still only see the steps I’m taking now and the ones I’ve left behind. I still don’t know where I’m going.

Except that…

If I’m honest…

I kind of do. I’m in denial but I have an idea. I have a picture in my mind and some God-whispers in my heart that hint at things to come.

But…

I don’t feel qualified at all. So it’s a good thing it isn’t my ability that matters here.  I’m just following the guide who knows exactly where we are going and what pitfalls might come next. He knows that I am the amateur between us and He will need to help me over the difficult obstacles.

And read the compass.

And the map.

And keep me from going in circles or wandering into poison ivy.

There is a lot of dependance here people.

I would not trust someone I didn’t know with this. Some random person in the woods saying… “Follow me and I’ll show you the right direction” That sounds like the beginning of a bad movie at worst and a prank that will end up on Facebook at best. I am not that trusting!

I want to know that my guide has experience; a resume and a good history of getting people where they’re going…Safely. Who exactly am I trusting with my life here…who is my guide?

“The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold” —Psalm 18:2

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep.” John 10:11

“The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.” Psalm 116:5

“and He passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in one and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin…” —Exodus 34:6-7a

Rock, fortress, deliverer, shield, salvation, stronghold, good shepherd, gracious, righteous, full of compassion, slow to anger, abounding, faithful, loving and forgiving.

My guide is more than capable of leading me. His list of honorable characteristics and impossible achievements is far greater than I can list. His history of coming through with me? Incredible. Perfect reviews. Then why then do I question Him every time something is new?

Because as humans we are always trying to gain independence and figure it out. When instead we should be enjoying the journey the scenery. Whispering excitement for the destination! Being completely encompassed by the presence of the One Who Guides. The One who has led some pretty big names: Jonah, Esther, Gideon, David and so many more…has the time and patience to teach me!

This guide is good and knows what He is doing! He is reliable, practiced and seasoned. He also has an advantage…He personally created each of those He leads.

He has a map; everything is in place. The trail is planned, the weather good, the supplies packed and secure.  Time to go.

Except that I still don’t (can’t) believe I can do this. I’m watching my every footstep and second-guessing every one. I can’t look at the scenery. If I move my eyes off the rocky trail, I might fall or trip. Or worse…I might screw the whole thing up and fail.

(Do you think there is a mistake you can make that I cannot redeem? I am your creator and I know all you are capable of and all you will do. Don’t you know who you are?)

“Lord, I am nobody. I’m failing at a lot. I’m dropping things, missing the mark. Too busy, not careful enough. I’m not spending time with who I should be, and I’m spending too much time where I shouldn’t be. I am making a huge mess of this whole thing and bumbling through.”

(Is all of that truth? I call you daughter. Daughter whom I love and care for. Daughter I redeemed)

“Daughter yes…A good one though?”

He called me by name and I can’t answer because I don’t believe. Even though He is dependable. Even though He is truth.

I have spent years blending in. I think a little of this has always been there in me, but it got more pronounced during elementary school. Those years were tough…I think they are for everyone. It seemed like only me getting teased and ridiculed for liking what I liked and dressing how I dressed. I hated the constant worrying over everything.

Things I loved, enjoyed and respected gained words, looks and scribbled notes that were hurtful.

Instead of asking for help, I decided to become less. Be less. Need less. Middle of the crowd, only say what people will laugh at or enjoy. Don’t say anything risky or controversial. I wanted to be everyone’s friend so no one would be mean. It wasn’t ever enough to accomplish what I wanted it to but I was convinced that eventually the harshness would fade if I just did more.

My striving was not productive or healthy. My idea of what a perfect world looked like was not realistic or achievable. So I didn’t feel that good enough was even something I was capable of.

I trust the guide…well, do I really?

When He calls me by name and I shy away because I am not at all enough?

Wouldn’t the One I trust…be telling the truth?

If He calls me… isn’t it because He sees in me what was created in the beginning and saved on the cross?

Not that I am worthy… but that I am chosen?

That’s hard. To trust God is to believe ALL that He says I am. I can’t trust Him and call myself less than Daughter of the King. To trust Him is to accept what He says I am. I can’t have it both ways.

“Lord, these hard truths are uncomfortable.”

(They are truth. I cannot give you less. You cannot be less. You are who I created. You can walk in the purpose you were created for when you take my hand and follow me faithfully. The map is not important. I want you to enjoy the journey. I want you to take your eyes off of your feet and return them to my loving gaze. I want you to see what I see. To have compassion for yourself the way I have compassion for you. There is so much beauty to behold. Accept who you are. Accept that you are loved and I am caring for you. Just be content to journey with me. It is worth it. I promise.)

“I don’t feel like I am worth your love Lord, let alone your gaze.”

(I lovingly created you. You have never been less than beautiful to me. Never less than my created child. Your pain wounds me. Your humility and compassion swell my heart. I am proud of your journey. You are taking first steps and I am overjoyed to see them. You don’t need to be comfortable, that comes with time. Just be faithful and trust what I see.)

I know who He is. Who am I?

I was at a gift shop a few days ago with one of those good friends who tell you the hard truths.

The kind of truths that hurt sometimes.

Let me take a second to say this:

If you don’t have a friend who does this for you its okay, but look for one. They are God-sent blessings. It’s the sister-friend relationship that will help support and grow us during the hard times. We need honest God-fearing friends who call out when they see warning signs. How do you find one? Pray and ask for one. God knows the right people for us. Seek God and you will find another sister seeking Him too. Women who seek the Lord together will grow each other.

Moving on…

She found a necklace that had and arrow, a cross, an odd saying on it—“Pretty Hunter.” It drew my attention but I usually stray away from wearing anything that says “Pretty.” Seems kind of silly to be afraid of a word…but it does make me scrunch my nose.

“Why are don’t you like that word?”

“I don’t believe it.”

“Why?”

I sighed. “Because I’m not as pretty as… so many others.”

I know that doesn’t matter, I would never say it to anyone else; but it is the lie I’ve lived believing.

I wasn’t sure about the hunter part either. Un-qualified. I am convinced God teams up with good friends to convince me of things I need. We talked for a long while. Not once the whole time did she let me get away with half-truths or lies about myself.

I own this necklace now.

I also own the charge to speak who I am to myself before wearing it.

In the mirror.

While making eye contact.

Growing pains are awkward. I cringe and try not to grumble.

The Lord is faithful.

I felt awkward but I took the challenge head on. I am trying to outgrow these bad habits aren’t I? I looked up “hunter” in my bible app and then the definition.

“A person searching for something; breaking through brambles…”

Hmm…I search I guess…I do tend to look into things more than I used to.

A few days later the words “you are someone who seeks and breaks new ground…” were spoken to me during prayer. God’s voice is certainly loud sometimes. By the time I hear a few things and get confirmation…I usually realize that God has been speaking them to my heart for quite a while.

So if I choose to learn to see myself the way God sees me? So uncomfortable and foreign. Can’t I just speak beauty into my friends? I can’t even think this without squirming in my chair.

(Love your neighbor as Yourself. It goes both ways. I love you all. Please remove the blinders and dare to see what I see. Don’t let the enemy that deceives and lies tell you what to look at.)

I will learn this too, but I am timid. I want to walk this path even when it’s uncomfortable and I don’t like it. Taking the first step is difficult. I will step, and I will say my “I am” list every morning. I will wear this necklace that reminds me who He says I am.

And…I will write my “about me” section of this blog. I will even add pictures.

It’s all growing and all part of the journey. Because I do trust the guide… well, I am learning to trust. I will trust that this practice of “I am” is important too.

Because this “Calling myself who HE says I am” doesn’t fit the definition of arrogance; I will not call it pride. Having a name or a skill is not pride. Saying you have a skill isn’t either. I won’t let the enemy lie to me about pride or my Christ-identity.

Dear friends…you are worth more than kingdoms. Your life and calling is more important than who ‘likes’ your instagram posts. Your purpose is too important for you to live hidden and subdued in the shroud of unworthiness. You are someone’s beloved. You are a friend, a child, a sheep, an heir. Your calling scares the enemy; it is why he works so hard to cover up your beauty. Your light shines within you; don’t hide it under the cover of shame or failure.

Dear Shepherd. I will call myself your sheep and I will follow. I will lay down in green pastures when you instruct and i will follow you through the desert and uncomfortable places to rest.

I am…

I am a child of the King

I am reliant on God

I am a warrior daughter

I am brave

I am beautiful, and beautifully made

I cannot accomplish what God has created me for unless I stand confident and at peace with all that God says I am.

I am strong

I am extra-sensitive—this is not a weakness.

I am God’s adamant, I hear His voice clearly.

I am growing more and more and experiencing the fullness of who God says I am.

I am not defined by my mistakes but I am REFINED by His love.