A Little Overcast

I can do this! I am figuring it out! I am working on this too-busy thing…but I am also kind of making it work. I am somehow balancing home, work and shuffling kids. I don’t have time to read or spend time sitting with my family, but it was just a season of hustle…right?

How often we live in denial until we can’t argue with the evidence.

Twenty-three weeks of posting every Tuesday…and I missed it last week. It was the proof I couldn’t deny or argue with. That I wasn’t really okay and the realization that there was a whole lot more of “me” in my day than Him. My plans and strategies and not heavens.

Its true there are seasons to life. With kids and different activities it is kind of a shuffle-everyone-around season. Add in a lot of other things and personal striving–it gets crazy quick. And while I do like to stay busy, I didn’t notice how hard it was for me to be still.

How do we so easily get distracted by the lists of things to do? We fill up the day with errands and chores and not even realize how much time we are trading as we go until we are bankrupt at the end of the day?

Time is currency too.

I had started to be pretty proud of my commitment to a schedule. Proud of all that “I” was doing. Twenty-three weeks of writing and counting.

I don’t believe I wrote those posts alone. No, I sat down and typed but I prayed too, asking for which stories to share and how. I was still proud of myself for sitting down that many weeks in a row. Pushing through the boredom and hard posts and learning steadfastness.

“Thank you Lord. For strength and endurance. For inspiration and leading. For knowing what I need.”

Every week I focus on what He puts in my heart to write.  Most of the time I don’t know what will happen until I show up, surrendered to whatever.

Last week I was more rushed and I knew it would be close. Monday morning came and passed. Tuesday morning came later than I’d hoped.

I was still expecting things to magically work out because I wanted them to. Because I always squeak by in a frenzied last minute rush so I don’t know how it will happen, but it will. I didn’t notice pride lurking in the corner waiting for a turn at my heart.

It didn’t happen. Nothing fell into place at the last minute. The writing was hard. It’s not even that I waited too long. I just couldn’t seem to write an idea I liked. I must have started a dozen times. I worked for more than five hours that day, but I couldn’t get it.

I didn’t even accept the idea it wouldn’t happen until 11:30pm that night. I live in denial of reality guys.

The Lord had trusted me with something…and had I let Him down.

But had I? This is really what I was feeling, but was it true?

Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up.–1 Peter 5:8 (MSG)

The enemy loves to take advantage of lies and deceit—of the moments we start to doubt our identities and His promises. I had gotten lost in the busy-ness that I thought I had a handle on.

“You’re not good enough, you never were…this is just the proof.  Anything less than perfection is worthless.”

The enemy would love nothing more than to weaken our hearts with doubt. To cause us to question our inheritance and the goodness of our Father; undermine His love.

I actually made it pretty easy for him. It wasn’t pretty or mature. It was tearful and angry; more than a little spoiled and bratty. I mean…Didn’t I say that I wasn’t good enough at the beginning? I’m not a writer, I don’t blog, I don’t have anything to say…

I didn’t really believe it. I was just hurt and upset with my failure. Instead of kneeling in prayer…I complained and argued; I wanted sympathy.

I am thankful this tantrum was in my mind more than anything. The Lord patiently waited for me to complain and fight and struggle it out.

(You don’t really believe any of that, so why are you saying it? Your words carry the power of life and death. What are you speaking into your life. Speak truth. Declare truth and the victory you inherited. Mistakes are part of being human. Redemption is mine. Lay down your pride.)

Pride? Was it really pride that had me so frustrated by my failure?

Yes. I suppose it was a little prideful (okay…a LOT prideful) to think that I could spend all my time doing all the things I wanted to and then just expect the world to fall into place when I ran out. Living on borrowed time that I felt entitled to. Ugh. That’s not pretty.

It is human though.

He knows me better than I know myself. He had already seen all of my errors when He asked me to start. He saw my grammar, my timing, my mistakes, and all the other things I may not even know about.

He asked anyway.

Its never been about perfection or impossible standards. It can’t have been. It is a lie to think that when I am getting things wrong I am less worthy than when I am getting things right. Because even when I get it right it’s not perfect. Even when I am walking next to the Shepherd…I am stained and beat up; imperfect and unworthy. When I’m getting it all right—it still isn’t alright.

We desperately need Jesus. Because we will never get it right on our own. And honestly…life is too hard without Him. It would be so much easier if we only listened.

Lay down our strengths so that we can become more dependent on His strength.

Laying our own strength, pride and personal glory and allowing our weaknesses to be overcome by His purpose and power. To tell a story we can share…one that calls longingly to others. One that leaks love and acceptance of every misstep.

I make messes all the time that I don’t see. He cleans them up as we go. Just because I don’t like this picture doesn’t mean it isn’t accurate–the reality of things. I am imperfect and messy on my best days.

I am going to lay down the “I ams” and declare the truth–I am weak, but He is strong. I might fail but He redeems.

So today I write again. Start this streak over. But this time…I will walk in the grace of His timing—the acceptance that I never was meant to do this thing perfectly, only obediently.